Jokes 2

I know it's an oldie but it still makes me laugh :)

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This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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and they think they can rule the world ?
 
Would You Re-marry?

John and Beverly sat at breakfast one morning and Beverly asked, "John, if I passed away suddenly would you re-marry?"

John was taken aback. "I won't discuss such an awful thought. It's a beautiful day and you are making it awful by being so morbid"

The next morning Beverly asks again. "John, if I died suddenly would you re-marry?"

"I will not discuss this." said John

The next morning she asks again "John, If I die suddenly would you re-marry?"

John acquiesces and replies "Oh Dammit Beverly - yes, yes I would"

"John, would you sell the house?"

"No.. I'd keep the house."

"Would you sell our bed?"

"No, John replied, "I'd keep our bed."

"John.. Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not!! She's left handed!"
 
Calling in Sick

Bob calls into work and says, "Boss, i can't make it in to work today. I'm sick. I've got a headache, stomach upset and my legs are killing me. I'm not gonna be there today."

The boss replies." You know Bob, when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Bob calls in again. "Thanks boss. i did what you said and I feel GREAT. I'll be in to work soon.. By the way, you've got a NICE house!"
 
The poor Attorney

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on . . ..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks
as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
 
Humpy said:
I know it's an oldie but it still makes me laugh :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
...
More...
'In March 2008, Mike McConnell, the Director of National Intelligence in the U.S., opened his remarks to The Johns Hopkins University's Foreign Affairs Symposium with the lighthouse story, claiming, "Now this is ... true. I was in the signals intelligence business where you listen to the people talk and so on. This is true. It's an actual recording." '
 
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