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Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his excellent trading ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They...

Chuck Norris purchased Timothy Sykes DVD just so he can have Timothy sign it in person. This was all a trick. Chuck really just wanted to see if he can squeeze Timothy Sykes into hhe DVD case. He did.

China Life Insurance did not make a pledge to support all children orphaned from the quake out of goodwill and altruism. It did so because they realized that all Chinese children were fathered by Chuck Norris.

There was no earthquake in China. Chuck Norris was trading the HSI and pounded his fist on the table because the index did not follow his instructions exactly. He directed the force to the epicenter of China. He was trading from Antarctica at the time. He was there to cool off from his...

Chuck Norris is not concerned with overnight risk. He simply gives the evil eye to the markets before going to sleep. Oh and Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He lays quietly hoping that the markets deceive him so he can have an excuse to obliterate the financial world as we know it. And His...

Chuck Norris went on a shopping spree last weekend and charged $350M on his Mastercard. Hence, Mastercard will report a charge off of $350M in next quarter's earnings release. NOBODY asks Chuck Norris for payment.

Chuck Norris has not made a single mortgage payment since 1972. As a matter of fact, he never even placed a down payment. Yet, his Malibu home will never be foreclosed upon. And it has appreciated 10% each and every year. The California fires, went AROUND his house. Nobody fucks with...

The FED is not concerned with inflation when it cuts rates. The FED is concerned with the fact that Chuck Norris has a HELOC that is based on the fed funds rate.

Chuck Norris doesn't speculate when he trades hundreds of contracts on hogs, wheat, corn, OJ, coffee, etc. This is how he goes grocery shopping.

I can do this all day... Am I the only one here? C'mon...where the hell is Nutmeg, Fly, and Yannis?

The world is not going through a food crisis because of speculation. Chuck Norris simply had a larger breakfast than usual.

The average person is assigned for all short options expiring within .05 ITM by market close on expiration day. Chuck Norris goes through the same process. Except it only applies to options over $50 ITM. Expiration day does not apply to him. Chuck Norris NEVER gets assigned.

options are a zero-sum game. Except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins.

The last time your platform went down, it was not due to a technical issue. Chuck Norris was seen on the company parking lot and everyone scrammed...even the automated machines took off... Chuck Norris only visits you for one reason......to kill you

Chuck Norris RECEIVES a commission every time he trades.

Ken Lay did not die of a random heart attack. It was caused by a prank phone call advising him that Chuck Norris had taken a loss on a small investment in Enron. All of his organs ceased functioning almost immediately out of fear. The story cannot be corroborated because Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris doesn't predict the price of oil. Oil just does whatever the fuck Chuck Norris says!

Ivolatility.com

Every time I fill up my car, I wonder why people complain about high gas prices. These are the same people that drive 90 mph, speed up to reds, slam on their brakes, and pound the gas once it turns green. How do I know these are the same people? Because that's how 90% ...wait 99% of the people...