(somewhere on the net)
OK, folksâcircle up.
Iâve heard rumors that people in the tribe arenât happy with my leadership. Specifically, that people arenât happy with my plan to discover which mushrooms are edible and which mushrooms are deadly poisonous.
But listen up: This plan is bigger than you or me. Itâs bigger than who dies eating poisonous mushrooms and who doesnât. This is about the culinary future of humanity, people.
Youâre right, we do have fire, language, and symbolic artâthe human race is doing pretty well. But I think itâs clear that weâre never going to reach our full potential until our dietary repertoire includes mushrooms. Somebody has got to step up to the plate and start eating random mushrooms. If we do thisâif this tribe discovers which mushrooms are not poisonousâhistory will look upon us as heroes, my friends.
I never said this would be easy. There are literally thousands of different mushrooms in the forest, and so far we have discoveredâlet me checkâzero edible mushrooms. Compare that to the seventy-three mushrooms that we have confirmed are deadly. I wonnât sugarcoat it: Those are not good numbers.
But while the costs may be high, the potential benefits are enormous. Imagine eating a mushroom right off the groundâjust popping it in your mouth. Or sucking on a cold mushroom on a hot summer day! The possibilities are endlessâand delicious.
How do I know edible mushrooms exist, and that they arenât all poisonous? Thatâs a good questionâa fair question. To be honest, there is a chance that all mushrooms are poisonous. But hold onâhold on! Hear me out. Iâve just got this feeling deep in my gut that not only do edible mushrooms exist, but they are so delicious as to render all other foods obsolete. I could be wrong about this, but all I ask is that you trust me on this one.
This is exciting, people! This is a time of discovery. Who knows, maybe this blue mushroom is edible. Or this huge purple one with white dots all over it. Or this black, noxious-smelling mushroom.
Itâs a mystery.
If the black one is edible Iâll name it whatever you folks want. Just go ahead and shout out some ideas.
Non-Poisonous Mushroom Number One? No, not that. Try to be creative.
Rocky Road? Hmm. Thatâs close, but not quite.
OK, OK, enough shouting out, letâs just go with Porcini. See? Thatâs a great name for a mushroom.
Alright, so that one didnât turn out to be edible. But letâs keep our heads up, and maybe give Warrenâs family some space to grieve. Iâm sorry you all had to see that. But he fell as a soldier, a soldier in this war against mushroom-edibility uncertainty. And are we going to let his death be in vain? Are we going to give up on the battle he died fighting?
While I understand your hesitancy, let me assure you that the answer is a resounding no.
Now letâs get out there and eat some goddamn mushrooms and hope theyâre edible!