The Most Loathsome American Politicians and Preachers of 2011

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This is from the list of "The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2011" posted online by Ian Murphy on 1 February 2012. Most of it is on the mark and funny as hell.


49) Harold Camping
Crimes: To hype his May 21st Judgment Day, the frog-voiced preaching mummy rented over 1,200 billboards, all of which Jesus totally missed. It wouldn’t matter if this guy was just masturbating under his “End is Nigh” sandwich board, like a respectable doomsayer, but every time he “predicts” the rapture, many of his 200,000 benighted listeners max-out their credit cards for his $72 million Family Radio, and some lunatic slashes her children’s throats, so they won’t have to suffer through the tribulation.

Smoking Gun: In this May 19th BEAST interview with Camping you can hear a vacuum cleaner — because nothing says you sincerely believe the END OF THE WORLD is two days away, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework.

Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais.


48) Christopher Hitchens
Crimes: First dead atheist to inspire such hagiographic dreck since Mother Teresa. Born British, died unmistakably American, having been so wooed by the “War on Terror” that he was sworn in by then-DHS head Michael Chertoff. He was a pompous misogynist and warmonger who, above all else, loved the sound of his own voice. He palled around with comb-licking goon Paul Wolfowitz, advocated for Bush’s reelection, and clung to his scotch-soaked end that Saddam Hussein possessed WMDs. With his undoubtedly elegant prose, Hitch provided more support to Islamophobes than a Lowe’s 2 x 4.

Smoking Gun: “Prison conditions at Abu Ghraib have improved markedly and dramatically since the arrival of Coalition troops in Baghdad.”

Sentence: Remembered accurately.


47) Tim Tebow
Crimes: Throwing motion gives false hope of NFL stardom to children with MS. Inspired the most nauseating trend of the year in “Tebowing.” Showered by idiots with feckless praise of leadership and morality because his game simply doesn’t warrant the same. As a spokesperson for the hate group Focus on the Family, abstinence advocate, and known teammate kisser, Tebow’s likely just another self-loathing homosexual. And he’s sanctimonious as hell for a guy who works exclusively on the Sabbath.

Smoking Gun: “First and foremost I’d have to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

Sentence: Raped by a Ben-Roethlisberger lookalike, forced to abort the baby.


46) Sam Brownback
Crimes: #heblowsalot. When not attempting to destroy teenage girls on Twitter, the petulant Kansas Governor enjoys enacting anti-choice legislation, crushing arts programs through executive order, spending time with The Family, hating the gay, and taking moronic walks on the beach with Rick Perry and God.

Smoking Gun: He’s the Governor of Kansas.

Sentence: Former Governor of Kansas.


45) Megyn Kelly
Crimes: Looks so much like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats that she lends plausibility to the ravings of David Ickes. Whether terrifying Flyover-Americans with the New Black Panther Party, or demonizing UC-Davis protesters, Kelly’s venom is designated solely for those outside of her income bracket and race. Decries “the welfare state,” yet thinks the U.S. government should mandate paid maternity leave — because it could potentially one day affect her personally. Her entire “news” career is based on exploiting the same myopic selfishness of Fox’s demographic of old white idiots who want to have sex with her.

Smoking Gun: “[Pepper spray's] a food product, essentially.”

Sentence: All meals prepared by Lt. John Pike.


43) Bill Adair
Crimes: Oft scolded by conservatives for being too accurate, the Politifact editor sought to remedy its suspected bias with their aptly titled “Lie of the Year,” which was that “Republicans voted to end Medicare.” In the same way that calling a hamburger a cow is accurate, claiming that Paul Ryan’s Medicare-privatizing “Path to Prosperity” would not end the program hangs on the thinnest of linguistic technicalities (an objectively far bigger lie is Ryan’s claim that his plan would “save Medicare”). Adair’s curious choice for Lie of the Year was based in part on an online poll, which was unduly influenced by Paul Ryan himself. So plagued by phony “balance,” Politifact almost never calls out conservatives who deny evolution.

Smoking Gun: In his response to the inevitable outcry, Adair defends his “objective journalism” by quoting two anecdotal strawmen.

Sentence: Next time he orders a hamburger, a ketchup-coated steer comes charging out of the kitchen and tramples him.


41) Sarah Palin
Crimes: Will not go away. So desperate for attention that she mounted the “One Nation” media circus bus tour/family vacation, trolling the press and stalking Republican candidates from state to state. Owes her entire rise to national prominence to the fact that Weekly Standard schmuck Bill Kristol met her on an Alaskan cruise and wanted to bang her. A quitter clinging to the last threads of relevance, Palin’s greatest contribution to society last year was to organize a protest against Barack Obama’s “Road to Ruin” that suggested people drive to their local highways and pull off onto the shoulder ... for some reason.

Smoking Gun: “He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Sentence: Tapped by Romney for VP, inevitable loss, conciliatory hunting trip, tongue bitten off by wolves.


40) Anthony Weiner
Crimes: Doesn’t know how to properly Tweet, lie, tell the truth, or even philander. Weiner represents everything that’s wrong with the Democratic Party: the craven inability to act and the pathetic ability to fold under pressure. With one errant keystroke, he bestowed upon Andrew Breitbart a wholly unfounded air of credibility. And, you know, obsessively tweeting cock-pics to women he didn’t know.

Smoking Gun: “You know, I can’t say with certitude.”

Sentence: Andrew Breitbart’s wholly unfounded air of credibility.


38) Andrew Breitbart
Crimes: A true propagandist for the ultra-wealthy, the man’s mouth shares both proximity and substantive resemblance to the Koch brothers’ assholes. After lucking into Weinergate and bizarrely co-opting the congressman’s press conference, Andy spent the remainder of the year engaging in drunken spats with Sam Seder on Twitter, ineptly smearing the 99% movement, and sweating profusely like a disheveled pig on amphetamines.

Smoking Gun: In a totally proportional response to being called a closet-case, he challenged a conservative Boston crowd to murder his detractors: “We outnumber [liberals] and we have the guns!”

Sentence: Treated for narcissistic personality disorder by Dr. Conrad Murray.


36) Frank Luntz
Crimes: His only ideology being unbridled greed, Luntz would market kitten leukemia if the price was right. Naturally, the people with that kind of cash are typically global warming deniers, crooked politicians, and Wall Street scum. As we saw last year, Luntz spoke at a Republican Governors Association meeting in Florida, helping them craft an arsenal of disingenuous language to dampen the rhetorical resonance of Occupy Wall Street — like conflating ‘government spending’ with ‘waste.’ Luntz has been known to lie outright, as he did during the ’08 primary season when he conducted focus groups in different states that featured the same “undecided voter.” Having been a coauthor of the ’94 “Contract with America,” he’s friends with Newt Gingrich, and unashamed of it.

Smoking Gun: “I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death.”

Sentence: Shot in the head with a teargas canister.

 

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34) Michele Bachmann
Crimes: Protecting America from the gays by marrying them. Setting feminism back a few waves, not because she’s an idiot, which she is, but because she’s a biblical literalist who’s openly subservient to her “gay-repairing” husband. From confusing John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy to insisting that the Founding Fathers fought to end slavery to botching the locales of prominent Civil War battles, the description “gaffe machine” is, for Michele, woefully inadequate. She’s a bald hypocrite, who was an IRS lawyer and the recipient of farm subsidies, and yet carved out her politically backward niche by railing against taxes and government spending. A conspicuous troglodyte who says she was ordered to run for president by God, Bachmann’s to be counted among the more prominent reasons why when Americans travel abroad they say they’re Canadian.

Smoking Gun: “I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”

Sentence: Cervical cancer.


32) Herman Cain
Crimes: The first ever book tour to run for president, the “black walnut” demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that he’s incompetent at absolutely everything save for Islamophobia, lobbying on behalf of the disgusting pizza/lung cancer industry, counting to the number 9, ripping off Pokémon, and sexually harassing scores of women who are the approximate height of his wife — whose ignorance of his infidelity he pointed to as proof of his innocence. Blamed the poor for being poor while ostensibly running against the failed economic policies that made them poor.

Smoking Gun: “If you don’t have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself!”

Sentence: President of Uzbecki-becki-becki-stan-stan.


31) Newt Gingrich
Crimes: Polygamous, aggressive when threatened, and insulated by a thick layer of blubber, Newt Gingrich is the walrus of American politics — if walruses were pandering dissemblers who masked their rank hypocrisy with sneering condescension. After cheating on and then leaving his first wife in the cancer ward, while proposing an open marriage to his multiple-sclerosis-suffering second wife (because, hey, he was already rutting a young House staffer with no eyelids), Newt led the charge to impeach Clinton for his lack of “family values.” And compared to his record as Speaker, his personal life seems ethical by contrast. Newt fancies himself as the “big ideas” candidate. So far, these big ideas include an $800,000 campaign website, buying fake Twitter followers, a half-million dollar Tiffany’s debt, making children work as janitors, overt racism, pretending that lobbyists are historians, and this just in: making the moon the 51st state of the Union.

Smoking Gun: “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Sentence: Charred by an explosion on the set of Transformers 4.


30) Alex Jones
Crimes: The popularity of Jones’s conspiracy theory website and radio show is a testament to America’s failed education system. Worse than exclusively reporting utter nonsense, Jones has the exasperating habit of mixing real stories — like the NDAA — with ridiculous bits about interdimensional “clockwork” elves that commune with and instruct New World Order puppeteers via hallucinogens. The sad result is that when the MSM ignores an important news item — like the NDAA — and it’s picked up by the belligerent Jones, most sane consumers of internet news feel justified in thinking that it must be complete bullshit.

Smoking Gun: “You just can’t make this stuff up!”

Sentence: Jones, Lyndon LaRouche, and the Pope walk into a bar, the building collapses and crushes them all.


29) Peter Haller
Crimes: Who? Maybe you remember the do-nothing SEC employee turned Goldman Sachs’ SEC-lobbying VP as Peter Simonyi. Probably not. In a revolving door masterstroke, he took his mother’s maiden name after he quit Goldman, so when he signed up to work for Chairman Darrel Issa on the toothless House Oversight Committee to block banking regulations no one would notice.

Smoking Gun: He claims that he changed his name to honor his Transylvanian heritage.

Sentence: Staked through the heart.


28) The Waltons
Crimes: In an apparent attempt to goad the 99% movement to incorporate guillotines into their repertoire, just 6 of the Wal-Mart fortune heirs are worth as much as the bottom 30% of all Americans combined. As is the case with the Waltons, this vast economic inequality can only be attained through theft and villainy — outsourcing labor to Chinese slaves, union crushing, hiring illegals, fighting minimum wage increases, child labor violations, taking out life insurance policies on its low-level workers, and every other poverty-creating racket short of paying employees in Wal-Bucks.

Smoking Gun: I bought a heating pad there and it broke in a day.

Sentence: That guillotine thing sounded about right.


27) Paul Ryan
Crimes: Like some free-market wunderkind born of Ayn Rand’s ass, and raised in a Heritage Foundation Skinner Box, Ryan’s subservience to wealth and contempt for society is prodigious. The Wisconsin Congressman’s an utter charlatan — yesterday’s Wall Street bailout cheerleader posing as today’s “fiscally responsible adult” — whose mission to destroy the middle class is so brazen that it gives kleptocracy a bad name. I mean, when Newt Gingrich denounces you for “right-wing social engineering,” you know you’ve gone too far.

Smoking Gun: “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand.”

Sentence: Follows Roadmap to America’s Future, turns right at Path to Prosperity, falls off cliff, breaks legs.


26) Rick Santorum
Crimes: So far in the closet, he’s standing next to your dad’s stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously. Not only does this guy conflate homosexuality with bestiality, he thinks all sex is sin unless it’s procreative. A longtime fan of watching scantily clad brutes engage in sweaty, choreographed battle (he actually lobbied for the WWF, blocking steroid screening because pro wrestling’s not a real sport), Santorum’s politics is pure kayfabe where he plays the good sweater-vested God Boy whose duty is to wrestle evil in all its secular incarnations. In reality, however, he’s a shit-stain of biblical proportions who’s guilty of cronyism, defrauding his constituents, screwing over veterans, and defending sexually abusive priests.

Smoking Gun: “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the eye to come back to the United States.” (OK, that’s from 2006, but it’s a classic)

Sentence: The Blah Plague.


25) Ayn Rand
Crimes: Despite being a long-dead idiot, Rand continues to exert a mystifying control over the minds of America’s Social Darwinist dolts with her misanthropic “philosophy” of unbridled greed. Selling more copies than any other ridiculous tome, save for the Bible, Rand’s ode to tautological soap opera dialogue Atlas Shrugged still plagues the nation’s pseudo-intellectual consciousness in our theaters and on our campuses. As is so often the case with the libertarian occultists, she was an incorrigible hypocrite who collected Medicare and Social Security. And, as a woman who said that a woman should never be president, I think it’s safe to say she was a total bitch.

Smoking Gun: Her favorite television program was “Charlie’s Angels.”

Sentence: Dug-up bones put on eBay; bidding war between Ron Paul, Paul Ryan, and Penn Jillette; proceeds used to lift dozens out of poverty.


24) Peter King
Crimes: Homeland Security Committee Chairman King’s hearings on the imagined “radicalization” of American Muslims has cemented his legacy as the Post-9/11 Joseph McCarthy. His Islamic witch-hunt has simultaneously ignored and fomented the demonstrable radicalization of right-wing Christian groups. Also an apologist for the civilian-killing I.R.A., King is clearly more afraid of melanin than he is terrorism.

Smoking Gun: “85% of American Muslim community leaders are an enemy living amongst us.”

Sentence: Hugged by Muslims.


23) Ron Paul
Crimes: More free market Muppet than man, Paul’s libertarianism is a deeply schizophrenic ideology wherein personal freedom trumps everything — especially personal freedom. Whether it’s regulating women’s uteri under the pretense of “state’s rights,” defending sexual harassers, or hypothetically voting against the Civil Rights Act, Paul’s positions display bewildering lack of intellectual coherence. Most grating (aside from his horrifically racist and homophobic eponymous newsletter, or that he’s a doctor who doesn’t understand evolution), he’s managed to posture as an economic populist, despite the fact that his Randroid quest to eliminate government is the stuff of which oligarchies are made. But he would, like, totally legalize weed, dude.

Smoking Gun: “The notion of a rigid separation between church and state has no basis in either the text of the Constitution or the writings of our Founding Fathers.”

Sentence: Separated indefinitely from “The Precious.”

 

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22) David Frum
Crimes: As Bush’s speechwriter he gave us the “Axis of Evil,” and now he wants us to believe that, in comparison to today’s insane Tea Party set, he represents an endangered levelheadedness of Republicans past. No, we’re sorry. Remorseful as you may feel for lying the country into a tragically pointless war, you don’t get to capitalize by pitting your purported moderate pragmatism against today’s partisan extremism which you helped catalyze with fear, deceit, and pure political cynicism — and be taken seriously! — without first penning an apologetic tome in your own blood, tattooing said tome across every inch of your naked flesh, and being forced to read it with your too-close-together-eyes every goddamn day for the rest of your scarred and dismal existence. A very sensible demand, considering.

Smoking Gun: While some were quick to blame lax gun laws, Sarah Palin, or mental illness for Jared Loughner’s Arizona death-spree, Frum had the temerity to speculate that the real cause was pot.

Sentence: Found hanging in his closet, pants around his ankles, Abu Ghraib torture pic still glued to his limp semen-coated hand.


21) Frank Miller
Crimes: The Stephenie Meyer of comic books, Miller has all the literary & political depth of a masturbating squirrel. His rampant Islamophobia and puerile fantasies of female gangs clad in thigh-high leather stilettos notwithstanding, Frank’s finally disabused the very thin notion that he’s not, in fact, a total retard. In a post on his Web site, he bravely defended — just like Batman would — the valiant oligarch-class from the villainous scourge of OWS by reminding us that 9/11 happened. And just when we’d all totally forgotten about it.

Aggravating Factor: “These OWS clowns can do nothing but harm America.”

Sentence: Dialogue inker for Dan Clowes.


20) Steve Jobs
Crimes: Got rich lifting other people’s ideas; got richer by melding marketing with spirituality to sell environment-destroying status symbols made by Chinese children to oblivious, cultish prigs. He was a paranoid tyrant who abused his employees, exacted totalitarian control over iPhone apps under the puritanical guise of protecting kids from teh pr0n, and he even ruled over a private Apple security force — which has actually raided people’s houses. Jobs’s greatest offense was his hippie idiocy. He put off surgery for nearly a year, treating his cancer with fruit juice and acupuncture. And when he finally came to his senses, he used a pittance of his horded fortune — used only on black turtlenecks and dad jeans — to buy a house in Tennessee, skipping to the front of the liver donation line.

Smoking Gun: Siri’s a sexist asshole.

Sentence: “I don’t understand ‘sentence’. Would you like me to look that up for YOU?!”


19) Michael Bloomberg
Crimes: A neo-feudal lord who bought his political power and then used his “army” to put down a peasant uprising. Bloomberg touted his commitment to free speech, then under the flimsiest pretext of public health and safety he ordered his goons to clear Occupy Wall Street by force, destroy books, and ban/arrest any journalist who dared report on his authoritarian tactics. And then, likely as PR cover for the NYPD’s decade-long mission to spy on Muslims, he blew up a car to remind us how scary terrorism can be ... to cars that the NYPD blows up to remind us how scary terrorism can be.

Smoking Gun: “I have my own army”.

Sentence: Dragged out of his home in the middle of the night by hair, pepper-sprayed, punched in the face, neck pinned to ground with knee, cuffed behind back too-tightly with plastic ties, beaten with sticks, thrown into van, possessions destroyed, held for a weekend, and released of his own recognizance into a pit of vipers.


18) Rick Scott
Crimes: A vampiric parasite, rivaled only by Creed for the loudest sucking sound to ever come out of Florida, Scott made his private health care fortune by bribing doctors, stealing billions from Medicare, closing hospitals, shilling homeopathic snake oil — and viciously attacking any reform that would cut into his mostly uninsured customer base. As the Tea Party-backed anti-stimulus candidate for governor, a company he partially owns collected $60 million in stimulus funds. He personally spent $73 million barely becoming governor, and then refused millions in federal health care money, so that many Floridians would still patronize his criminally awful Solantic walk-in clinics. Paid lip service to “small government” ideals while trying to mandate expensive Big Brother drug tests for welfare recipients and state employees. The consummate Koch fiend, Scott’s MO is to cry poverty, and sell off state prisons, schools, bridges, roads, etc. to the highest bidder. He’s so despised in Florida that his endorsement would’ve tarnished even the reputation of American Caligula Newt Gingrich.

Smoking Gun: “I’ve got a quote in my office: ‘First they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t a Jew so I didn’t say anything...’ We shouldn’t be allowing candidates to attack people in business, we should be saying... ‘That’s us.’”

Sentence: Scott experiences a dull ache in his leg while campaigning for reelection at a Kissimmee Wal-Mart in 2014. He visits the conveniently located in-store Solantic clinic which misdiagnoses his deep vein thrombosis as a sprain. Three days later, as he addresses a convention of gourmet mushroom growers, the blood clot reaches his lung mid-sentence and he collapses on the floor. His final words are: “I like the taste of shiit–”


15) Hank Williams Jr.
Crimes: Repeatedly asked us if we were ready for some football when, in fact, he knew we were ready for some football. His fame derived solely from music industry nepotism; even Julian Lennon and Jakob Dylan seemed legitimate talents by contrast. But this year, Ol’ Pube-beard’s hilariously ahistoric “Fox and Friends” gaffe, wherein he compared Obama to Hitler, at least had the beneficent effect of removing his inane query from our national consciousness. And his musical response “Keep the Change,” imploring that Fox somehow twisted his words, is probably one of the funniest country songs ever written this side of Poe’s Law. He’s possibly running for Senate. And he can’t count to three.

Smoking Gun: “That would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu ... They’re the enemy ... Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.”

Sentence: A run for Senate. Please.


14) Scott Walker
Crimes: With the assistance of a truculent Republican Legislature, Walker’s forced through a mountain of draconian measures in Wisconsin that’ve made Kim Jong Il blush — slashing funding for education, healthcare and Planned Parenthood, enacting voter ID, allowing guns in the Capitol while simultaneously banning cameras and signs, and even trying to charge protesters a fee for exercising their 1st Amendment rights to name just a few. Most egregious was his budget “repair” bill, which ended collective bargaining for the majority of public employees in the state. Not only did he fail to mention this while running for Governor, he’s since admitted that it doesn’t save the state one flat dime. Walker’s just your run-of-the-mill hypocrite and liar, decrying out-of-state money while receiving half of his donations from ... out of state. And despite all his business-friendly rhetoric that “Wisconsin is Open for Business,” his policies have made the state the biggest job-loser in the nation.

Smoking Gun: At the height of protests in February, when he refused to talk to the Democratic opposition, Walker took a 20-minute call from a “liberal blogger” posing as arch-libertarian asshole David Koch — revealing his plans to trick the self-exiled Democrats back into session, and that he thought about discrediting protesters by planting troublemakers in the crowd.

Sentence: Forced back into the private sector — as David Koch’s butler.


13) Rick Perry
Crimes: He’s such a stammering cretin that he makes George W. Bush sound like a Rhodes Scholar. A deluded Christian who hates women and science unless there’s a paycheck from Merck involved. Proving once again that everything’s bigger in Texas, Governor Goodhair’s impudent corruption is unbound by the “small government” rhetoric he espouses. From an auto magnate who donated $400K and got a $25 million a year subsidy to a poultry seller who gave $165K and landed a $500K grant, Perry’s major donor list reads like the state welfare rolls. In an attempt to ingratiate himself to the retarded Republican base, Perry’s ultimately comedic presidential bid began with a massive “day of fasting and prayer,” in which he enlisted the help of American Family Association hatemonger Bryan Fischer to ask God to save America from an abortion-based atheist economy. Or whatever.

Smoking Gun: “[G]ays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”

Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and ... I forget the third thing.


12) Donald Trump
Crimes: Besotted by his own garish ignorance, The Donald stumbled into a depth of buffoonery last year which made Gary Busey seem respectably grounded. Like an awful P.T. Barnum with an unkempt raccoon on his head, everything from floating a presidential run, dabbling in birtherism, and trying to moderate a debate (that none of the Republicans were stupid enough to touch) was unadulterated self-promotion aimed at boosting ratings for NBC’s ode to capitalist douchebaggery “The Apprentice.”

Smoking Gun: “I have a great relationship with the blacks.”

Sentence: Dipped in gold, buried in Ron Paul’s backyard.

 

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11) John McCain
Crimes: Despite being alive for most of recorded history, McCain has learned absolutely nothing from it. Along with the Democratic Senator from Michigan Carl Levin, and much to the sadistic delight of Lindsay Graham, McCain coauthored the despicable National Defense Authorization Act which codifies the federal government’s authority to indefinitely detain Americans who’ve been accused of terrorism without trial. You got a joke for that? Yeah, me neither.

Smoking Gun: ”It’s okay for us to send a Predator, and fire, and kill that person...”

Sentence: Detained without trial and tortured.


10) Lamar Smith
Crimes: Normally concerned with protecting Texans from the evils of melanin and marijuana, the congressman outdid himself this year by introducing the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) — the bill that would enable the feds to censor any website merely accused of copyright infringement. With staffers who moonlight as intellectual property rights lobbyists, Smith has pushed bad web legislation before. For example, his innocuously titled Protecting Children from Internet Pornographers Act of 2011 proposes that all internet users be surveilled, again, merely for being suspected of virtual-pedophilia. Yes, that means you, 4chan.

Smoking Gun: The background image of Smith’s campaign website is a copyright violation.

Sentence: While singing Time-Warner’s copyrighted “Happy Birthday to You” at a family party, he has a stroke and falls into the cake.


9) John Boehner
Crimes: A corporate shill, inside trader, and blubbering alcoholic, who in pandering to the Tea Party ascendants helped create a monster he couldn’t control. As House Speaker, Boehner’s as responsible as anyone for a year of total government impotence which saw our credit rating downgraded, pizza sauce labelled as a vegetable, and “In God We Trust” affirmed as the national motto. The most infuriating thing about Boehner playing “fiscally responsible” politics over the debt ceiling was that the debt ceiling isn’t a limit on how much we can borrow, it’s a limit on how much incurred debt we’ll pay back — which is like saying that the responsible thing to do is to use your credit card and not pay the bill.

Smoking Gun: “We’re legislating. He’s campaigning. It’s very disappointing.”

Sentence: Ground up with a giant mortar and pestle, mixed with water, used to dye hunting jackets and pylons.


8) Eric Cantor
Crimes: A man who makes Congress’s 5% approval rating seem confoundingly high, Cantor’s political MO is to take a dump on his adversaries and condemn them for smelling like shit. In a transparently cynical ploy to limit Barack Obama to one term, Cantor — whom the intransigent tea-bagging House freshmen laughably view as an inspirational father-figure — can be found dropping a steaming political deuce at every legislative dead-end in Washington. In the bag for every rich, science-denying, and homophobic asshole in the country, Cantor’s ideology is one not of substance, but one of vacuous ambition, which places party before progress and spurns the intelligence of every living creature in America.

Smoking Gun: Through his press secretary, Cantor demanded that hurricane Irene relief should be paired to an equal amount of spending cuts.

Sentence: Every dollar earned for the rest of his life balanced out by a punch to the face.


7) Jamie Dimon
Crimes: It takes a special kind of asshole to helm a publicly bailed-out multinational bank — one guilty of defrauding investors, bid-rigging, bribery, and market manipulation — to a 23% market cap loss, earn an astounding $42 million doing it, and fail to grasp why people hate your thieving guts. JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon is that special kind of asshole. As a part of the stunningly obtuse nonprofit advocacy group “Job Creators Alliance,” Dimon joined his fellow embattled billionaires in denouncing the OWS “imbeciles” who, in the words of Tom Golisano, make them want to “vomit.” He may not get why people hate his guts, but he gets that they do, which may help explain why JPMorgan Chase donated an unprecedented $4.6 million to the NYPD’s pepper spray fund.

Smoking Gun: “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and because you’re rich you’re bad, I don’t understand it.”

Sentence: Mob violence.


6) Barack Obama
Crimes: A post-constitutional demagogue who ran on closing Guantanamo Bay, and ended up signing away Americans’ right to trial. But you can’t blame him for it. Really. Because he’ll be out of office when it begins. The guy is literally ordering flying robots to murder people throughout the Arab world — Americans even — but if you call him a fascist people think you’re in league with Glenn Beck or Lyndon LaRouche. While playing ninja assassin abroad, he takes a decidedly different tact with the terrorists at home, often folding to the whims of insane Republicans like so much origami. In too many ways, his first term may as well have been Bush’s third — with weak Wall St. regulations, an unconscionable war on medical marijuana and whistle-blowers, and total inaction on global warming. Seemingly more concerned with the rights and prosperity of those in the Middle East, his silence on the often violent OWS crackdowns was nothing short of galling.

Smoking Gun: “I want to be very clear in calling upon the Egyptian authorities to refrain from any violence against peaceful protesters. The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny. These are human rights. And the United States will stand up for them everywhere.”

Sentence: Toothy head from Jonathan Chait.


5) Mitt Romney
Crimes: The Schrödinger’s cat of American politics, Mittens is simultaneously on both sides of every issue, and no one truly knows his position until he opens his mouth. He’s so incapable of honesty that he’s even lied about his own name. Morally dissonant, too, much of the seed money for Bain Capital — which made Mittens millions by gutting companies, killing jobs and raiding pensions — came from an El Salvadorian family that financed death squads in the ’80′s, but when it came time to do business with Artisan Entertainment, Romney refused because they produce R-rated movies. But what can you expect from a guy who purports to believe that Native Americans descended from Jews and hung out with Jesus, God lives on the planet Kolob, the devil invented coffee, and underwear can be magic. And he’s so damn white he makes Justin Bieber seem like Gil Scott-Heron.

Smoking Gun: “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.”

Sentence: Cut into pieces and sold off to the highest bidder.


4) Jon Corzine
Crimes: As the Goldman CEO who made the firm public, Corzine scored an instant $400 million, and then spent $100 million becoming senator then governor of New Jersey. He managed the state so poorly that he floated the idea of privatizing the Turnpike, which sent New Jersey running into the fat arms of Chris Christie. Obama’s biggest Wall Street fundraiser reentered the world of high finance in 2010 as CEO of MF Global brokerage firm, where he repeated the shady dealings that led to the ’08 economic collapse — using a billion in client cash to cover insane gambles like some compulsive OTB degenerate raiding his child’s college fund.

Smoking Gun: “I never intended to break any rules.”

Sentence: Scrutinized by the Justice Department as though he were a Gibson guitar stuffed with medical marijuana.


3) Grover Norquist
Crimes: Born with money and without decency, young Norquist got into politics as a Nixon campaign volunteer, and his filthy mitts have been picking the pockets of the poor and working class ever since. A coauthor of Gingrich’s Contract With America, and integral in designing the Bush tax cuts, Norquist is best known for his anti-tax group Americans for Tax Reform — a member of the Koch-backed American Legislative Exchange Council (which crafts corporate-friendly legislation for state reps to pass off as their own). All but two Republicans in D.C. have signed Norquist’s “Taxpayer Protection Pledge,” which binds them through implied shaming and character assassination to never raise taxes on the rich, thus ensuring a return to a better time in America when children worked in coalmines, got black lung and died hungry without whining about it. Although complicit in the illegal schemes of swine like Oliver North, Jack Abramoff, and Tom Delay, Norquist’s naked duplicity is best summed up with his take on two recent tax issues: He was fine with raising payroll taxes, which would’ve hurt average Americans, but if Obama lets the Bush tax cuts on the wealthy expire, Norquist thinks he should be impeached.

Smoking Gun: “I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.”

Sentence: Kidnapped by Somali pirates, drowned in a tub of his own tears.

 

[kut2k2]

2) Rupert Murdoch
Crimes: Who’d have thought that a country founded as a prison, and inhabited by the world’s deadliest snakes, could produce such venomous turpitude? News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal, wherein their Brit tabloids snooped the voice mail of celebs, royals, relatives of terrorism victims, and a missing girl (also erasing her messages and giving her family false hope that she was still alive), can safely be counted among Murdoch’s least offenses as the modern-day William Randolph Hearst. In fact, it’s probably the closest thing resembling journalism his media empire’s done in some time. Back in ’03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, they’ve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber – beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obama’s citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; it’s the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism. And he’s ultimately responsible for subjecting you to the intolerable smarminess of Piers Morgan.

Smoking Gun: “I do not accept ultimate responsibility.”

Sentence: Deported to the moon for show trial, denied clemency by Moon Governor Newt Gingrich.


1) The Koch Brothers (David and Charles)
Crimes: Heirs to a fortune created largely by their John-Birch-crazy father’s oil deals with Stalin, the putrid fruit didn’t fall far from the hypocritical tree. The billionaire Kochs are still profiting from business with America’s enemies in Iran and, as the Tea Party’s sugar daddies, spending big to trump reason at home. Their cash and ideology can be found lurking behind nearly every “free market” think tank, anti-labor front group, global warming-denying sophist, and malfeasant politician hellbent on making the rich richer at the expense of everyone else. Perhaps the most sinister Koch-bankrolled endeavor is the American Legislative Exchange Council. As mentioned above, ALEC drafts corporate-approved legislation for state representatives to introduce as their own. These model bills primarily focus on union busting, instituting discriminatory voter ID, and privatizing every state institution imaginable. There’s a multi-front war being waged on the middle class in which these guys are the generals. And in a fitting tribute to the disingenuous gods of irony, Koch scaremongering over socialism and wealth redistribution is subsidized in part by the American taxpayer.

Smoking Gun: “If I called up a senator or a congressman to discuss something with them, and they heard ‘David Koch is on the line,’ they’d immediately say, ‘That’s that fraud again — tell him to get lost!’”

Sentence: The plot of that Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd movie Trading Places.

 

[Ricter]

Damn, that author is good. He's like Pure Hell hot sauce.

 

[AAAintheBeltway]

Probably the dumbest post ever on ET. This kind of sliming has to actually be funny to be effective. This was not funny. It was pathetic.

 

[cgroupman]

Oh come on, Mr. AAA, the list hits both sides, and certainly at least some of the comments will make you smile a bit. Some fun at least.


c

 

[futurecurrents]

Brilliant. Great stuff. Some highlights for me....



Megyn Kelly
Crimes: Looks so much like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats



Back in ’03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, they’ve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber – beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obama’s citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; it’s the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism.

 

[pspr]

Quote from AAAintheBeltway:

Probably the dumbest post ever on ET. This kind of sliming has to actually be funny to be effective. This was not funny. It was pathetic.

I agree. This is a really stupid thread.