Just in case you missed this straight to-presumably late night TV stinker, here's the heads up;
"Shark Swarm"......yes, that's right.
Daryl Hannah, Armand Assante, Roy Scheider.......
I thought, late one night, cool, that sounds like it has all the makings of a real B-Grade pisstake on the jaws movies, Roy Scheider lended credibility, could be funny.
Except it was actually John Schneider, like a train wreck i sat watching this awful tosh, to see how, after Roy Scheider failed to appear, unsurprising, given he died in February this year, (I know that NOW) they could possibly get leverage out of what i mistakenly imagined must be a "snakes on a plane" style title.
They didn't, put simply.
However, this film IS remarkable, in a number of ways, at least for something made so recently-
1-No attempt at humor was made at any point-it actually rolled like it was supposed to be a serious film.
2-The CGI was at 1980's level......were they trying to be retro, or did they get students to do it?
3-The rubber sharks were at 1980's level, and in fact may have been leftovers in the studio somewhere-the worst rubber sharks in donkey's.
4-Gaping plot holes the likes of which are remarkable.
Firstly, in the space of what appears to be about a week or so, some ten or a dozen people dissapear, viciously devoured by CGI sharks, one witnessed by a child, who didn't say anything, and whom's parents didn't notice there kid floated back to shore themselves.....a fishing boat full of shark teeth......in a very small community, and nobody notices.
Tight community , that one.
A "secret" navy weapon, which a professor just happens to have a supply of.........remarkably, the same professor can track these shark swarms by satellite, despite the navy , coast guard, meteorological services, nor fisherman being able to detect, or at least, notice said massive anomalies beforehand or during.
Throw in the evident issues with the CGI sharks, such as every single one being at the upper limits of known size, and the fact hammerheads just don't grow big enough to be doing what they are portrayed as doing, and......well I could go on.
Remember "Piranha" , and "Anaconda"?
Well those movies were a million times better.
This looks like a school project or something, like hollywood is running out of trained film crew, so they get some hard up volunteer actors to donate there time to show newb film crews what to do, and hey, its ALWAYS good enough for television
God, I hope nobody got paid for this.
