Wow I can definitely relate to you OP. Like you I am in my late twenties.
I got into trading and wanted it SO BAD. When the drawdowns came, I knew it was due to my rational thinking being distorted by emotional sweeps. I would get sucked into the noise. I was intensely focused on my P&L.
I ripped my mind apart harnessing these emotions. A lot of people come into trading with alternative pursuits. Not me, I knew from the moment I discovered it that this was for me. I immediately felt the 'game.' The crowd psychology. I am an anthro major, it was completely fascinating. My market analysis was great, but my emotions owned my decision making. I would be right the majority of the time, but I was unable to manage trades well as my emotions took over upon entering.
Now when I trade, I am beyond all that, I tend to laugh a lot now while I trade. The stress is definitely down, things are much more calm.
However, I completely identity with you. My social life has dipped substantially. I feel very little. I can socialize, but I have no desire to. I don't get sad or happy. My sense of humor got hit pretty hard. I feel like this analytical machine. When I'm away from the markets, I never really disconnect. The analysis keeps grinding away, the self control continues. I suppose I believe that if I slip, I will go backwards.
I still feel myself in there, but I am constantly harnessing my emotions. My emotional control continues after trading hours.
haha
Though, whatever, my emotions never did anything for me, they held me back my whole life.
I am still relatively young in my trading career, I have more money to make. That sense of success and freedom will bring my emotions back to me. Until I have that freedom, I am willing to sacrifice the human in me.
Unlike you, I have not been trading for 10 years.
I have this belief that once my account is big enough, and I get that 'all-clear' sensation, my soul will rejuvenate, and I can re-emerge into the world.
I can take vacations, take time to myself, go out, spend some money, hang out with friends, whatever.
Right now, I feel that is all second to my priority: achieving my goal.
Though, after reading your story, perhaps it won't be so easy to get back to normal.
Shoot me an e-mail if you want, I'd like to hear more about what you've done to yourself
ksmetana@alumni.uci.edu
