So I did as I said I would â sat on the sidelines. It wasnât all that hard â I was afraid to do anything else.
I sat here watching every tick â I always do anyway. Itâs not like I have anything else to do. And I read the posts from others left in my âjournalâ. Some I didnât really understand â it was as though the writer was talking to someone else. Some I didnât like â it was clear that the writer knew full well who he was talking to.
But most of the day was spent in thought â deep, deep thought. Do you know that I damn near quit my job when I made that $800 on my first trade? Itâs true. The only thing that kept me from doing so was that I didnât want to face the boss â and losing on the next two trades. My entire life would have changed had I the guts to walk out the door when I struck gold in the Wheat pit. Everything I have, everything I accomplished was due to being in the right place, at the right time.
I cannot begin to tell you the grief Iâve had with people when I tell them I believe that luck is the determining factor in life. People donât want to accept that concept. They want to believe that their âhard workâ was what did the trick. Whatever. But I was more than lucky that I held on to the job I had way back then. It ended up putting a few beans in my pot, and financing my attempts to master the market.
Nothing Iâve ever tried was harder. Nothing has ever brought me more self-doubt and heartache. But it has also kept me alive â kept me from vegetating. It has also embarrassed me. Along the way I have gone on more than one wild goose chase. About midway through this epic, I told the story of how I got involved with trading based on planetary aspect times â and how they were dead on, for a while. The story was absolutely true. Add to that the moon phases. Gann, and magic numbers.
I am not what you would call a âspiritualâ man. I donât believe in Gods, forces of good, astrology, predetermination, afterlives, or any of that bunk. But for the pursuit of my dream, time after time I suspended everything I knew to be true in favor of the absurd.
I am fond of accusing people of being intellectually dishonest when arguing politics or emotional issues â and of course I am almost always right in making the charge. But how many times have I been intellectually dishonest in the way I have approached trading? Too many times â far more than I care to admit.
All of this â and more - went through my mind today.
How did I ever get involved in this shit. Iâm not a button-down collar kind of guy. Iâm not a corporate man, a 9 to 5âer, or your typical white suburban drone. Iâm an old hippie, for Christ sake! Iâm anti-establishment, anti-big business, and all that stuff. OK, so I donât sport bellbottoms or have flowers in my hair â but my heart and soul are still back in the 60âs. So what the hell am I doing trading futures?
The answer â the honest answer? Maybe I trade futures against the very kind of people I dislike so that I can show them whoâs really the smart guy. Problem is, they show me most every day. And that kills me.
Most people around here would tell you that they trade to get out from underneath a job that they hate, or for independence, that kind of thing. But that never really applied to me.
Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts.
As frank as I have been in these recent posts, there are still other thoughts that I canât share. Some of them are just too sappy. Some are just too personal.
