Take a break for a joke

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you
and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick
dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
 
Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a beer with them. Dave replied "No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late." Dave's friend said "When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex."

So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get here?" he asked. "Shhhh," she replied. "My Mom is sleeping."
 
All Divorces Start With Marriage

Remember; Marriage is the number one cause of divorce... Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky; mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

If a mean speaks in the middle of a forest and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Man isn't complete until he's married; then, he's finished.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son; I'm still paying."
 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon, they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She hurried him in the closet stark naked. The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."

"What are you doing in there?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, "Those little bastards!"
 
Reminds me of some market makers that handle stocks beginning with "TH":


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
 
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - As Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station."
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell 1.....I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2.....I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3.....we're going to have sex all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled ....
"Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to have sex.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose!" she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"
 
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