Swing/Position Trades
- Thread starter dgabriel
- Start date
REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
Bands of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
--San Antonio, Texas (Rooters News Service) -
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and
writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, and then double-booked
the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
"Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night
along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's
320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.
By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second
quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred
its under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers,
and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And
every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us
to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!" is the rallying cry of the CEOnistas.
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common
executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising
one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol
spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we
just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,
"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method
were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken
Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and
every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. Not seen with the CEOnistas were
ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco. They were not
allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She
would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan
and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using
the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette
Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
texture to the stucco walls."
Bands of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
--San Antonio, Texas (Rooters News Service) -
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and
writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, and then double-booked
the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
"Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night
along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's
320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.
By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second
quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred
its under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers,
and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And
every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us
to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!" is the rallying cry of the CEOnistas.
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common
executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising
one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol
spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we
just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,
"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method
were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken
Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and
every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. Not seen with the CEOnistas were
ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco. They were not
allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She
would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan
and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using
the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette
Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
texture to the stucco walls."
