Pilgrim's Progress

D

Duref Mudgins

As I walked through the wilderness of my ward, I lighted on a certain man who was in this den, and laid him down upon my couch to speak; and as he spake, he dreamed a dream.

I give you in the words of his own recollection (let us call him Chris) this cautionary tale.
 
Bummer, man! Laid off from the world's sweetest job! All I hadda do for the accountants was see how much money each client had last year, add 10% to it, and send them the good news! Close to the apartment, too, right across the street in the strip mall. Times I thought it was kinda funny, but hey, I'm from Jersey, we don't ask!

But I gotta nose to feed, and the five grand in the bank won't last the month. What to do? Job market sucks, especially for creative writers. Wait! I remember that night when I woke up in LA and had no idea how I got there, an infomercial was blaring at 3 AM showing all kind of people trading for a living, making easy money. All smiles and high fives! That's the ticket!

But where to start? Let's see...google "get rich quick daytrading with spare change"...wow...it comes up with a bunch of hits, all on the same site! E-Lite-Trader. I had in mind heavy, but let's take a look!
 
This is it! I like the look, everything is money green! And over 400 traders logged in! And those sponsors are singing my song: quick, easy, risk-free, one-click, proven, automated even! Hmmm. Looks like what I need is what they all call a "strategy". Where to find one?
 
Ah, here we are, strategies. Umhumm, I need me one of those. But what's this? Some of these traders want to sell me one, but others offer to give me one free? Why would anybody buy one when they're given away free? Especially since the ones that charge don't guarantee that they work, but the ones that give them away do. Free it is. Now which one?
 
Man, this is confusing! I thought daytrading was just stocks. But summa these guys trading what they call ETF's and futures. What's the difference? They all look like video games to me. That's what these guys do all day? Play video games? OK, simplify. It's like gambling. Which one pays off best? This index future (whatever that is) pays out 50:1. Talk about Atlantic City! But no babes and booze. That comes afterward. What can I do with my five grand? These guys over here say I can buy one contract (that word makes me nervous, reminds me of my cousin Guido) for my five big ones. And if I work like a bastard and turn it 40 times a day I can make on an average day maybe 10 grand! Is that cool, or what? That means the next day I can buy three Guidos and make three times as much. Holy shit! I'm gonna be a millionaire by next Friday! No wonder so many people hang out here!
 
Oh, not so fast. Things I gotta do first.

Computer...got it. The one I stole from the office. They're so busy with the Feds in there they'll never notice.

Internet...got it...neighbor's unsecured WiFi.

Need a broker...IB looks good...bastards won't take my check (I'm good for it! What kind of industry IS this?)...gotta wait ten days...Gonna be payin' 'em $200 for those first 40 trades...cheap at the price ta make 10 grand!

Need a price chart...ESignal looks good...crap!...futures cost extra...Hoo-wee!...$175 a month!...Wait! Free trial!

Need to milk these ET geniuses, need a handle, like an injun, what's the first thing I see? Exxon sign? OK, mix it up a bit, be cool and mysterious, make it Xxoen.

Oh, yeah, and a box a crayons.
 
OK, so I got time ta figger out how this works. Time for my first post!

"Hi! I'm Xxoen, and I just want ta thank all you zillionaires for takin' the time to help a newbie like me!" (Course I'm thinkin', I was rich azzat, wun't take the time ta piss on me.) Hey, my first response!

"Noob, beware! These frauds'll mess up yore mind an' cornhole yore account!"

"Who assed ya, asshole rube!" Where's that ignore button? Ah, that's better! Peace and quiet! Here comes another one!

"Welcome, Xxoen, to our community of support and sharing! Are you ready for an exciting journey of self-discovery on the road to wealth?"

That's more like it!

"Whadda I do first?"

"Go get three six-inch three-ring binders, six reams of paper, and highlighters in three colors. We have a little light reading and home study for you. First you have to do the work. Fifty thousand posts in 40 different threads. Get back to us when you're done."

"Whaddeye tell ya, Noob?" Click! Goodbye, cockroach!
 
(A few days later...)

"Hiya, Xxoen here! It's a good thing I didn't know anything about trading before I started this, or I would never have figured it out! All those people out there just waiting to give me their money! Let me attem!"

"Just remember the little people when you arrive, Xxoen, and give back. Then start paying it forward to others not so fortunate as yourself."

"OK, I'll be so rich it won't hurt a bit. But what's with this group of jerks always pissing on your parade? What's their beef?"

"They don't trade like us. They don't deserve to be rich, so they can't understand it. They don't even trade like each other. And they're jealous. They want you to suffer by learning to trade the hard way like they had to. Not that they make any real money at it like we do. Bunch of perverts if you ask me."

"That's a relief. They're always recommending that people read old books about trading. How dull is that? And not a one of them is making anywhere near what I'll be making a day!"
 
This is the kind of jack bashing I can appreciate.

You clowns with your, "Jack will never call live trades" and "spam and scam" take note.

Mr. Mudgins, for you next assignment I want a seven stanza, (minimum!), poem about Jack and the Jackolopes. Not a limerick and you may not use the word Nantucket.
 
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