Sorry to hear of your struggles, but your experience is a common one. I went through the same thing years ago, when I first tried my own backtest platform. Eventually, I went with a retail platform (Tradestation in my case).
But I was scared to death at first. All the order functions, switches, etc. How would I know if backtest results would be replicated live?
So, I started simple. A basic moving average crossover, with daily bars, with simple "buy next bar at market" order types. I then ran it live with real money. Then I compared 4 results:
1. The real money results
2. The real time strategy engine results
3. The backtest results from the strategy engine
4. Calculating trades by hand, just using price data
All 4 of those SHOULD be the same. If they aren't, you have an issue somewhere. I assume you know and have seen that.
Once I was satisfied that all 4 agreed, I then slowly introduces more complicated things (it took me a few years before I was happy with "setstoploss" for example. Even now 10+ years later, I still stick with time based bars - no exotic bars for me).
For me, then, a retail platform did the trick. For you, depending on what you are doing, it might also be good. Just start out simple, get agreement with results, and build from there.