I experimented this year with the below approach to control my emotions. The aim was to become steady under duress and not snap easily. There may be advanced ways of doing it (Buddhism/Zen) but this method seemed quite simple, fast, and easier compared to other traditional methods. The result was a about 60 -80% reduction in tension, anxiety and negative emotions in most cases.
There have been times when it has been difficult to control emotions and I would revert to old habits for a few minutes. The intensity of the emotion when it does surface has become lower though. The result of this has been a much happier life. Minimal stress. Enjoyment in doing mundane things, like washing dishes!
I would also add that the three S's (sleep, sustenance and sex) play a role in how we behave and feel. An imbalance, at least in my case, makes it tougher to stay in control. In any case the end result has already been beyond what I had thought possible despite the existence of these imbalances. In fact, the ability to withstand imbalances has improved considerably. I am looking forward to seeing how much more I can improve.
Conceptually this way of thinking is not difficult and is also very practical. The tricky part is to recognize at the onset of a negative emotion that the earthquake has begun.
The idea behind all this is that we give meaning to events that inherently have no meaning. It's not the event that causes emotions but the giving of meaning to the event that does so.
The method/process:
1. Emotions
2. Event
3. Meaning
4. Reality
Example 1:
I come home half hour later than promised. Wife gives a look and turns away without saying a word. I know bad things are about to happen sooner or later. Wife's going to be upset with me and the evening is ruined. I get anxious, dodgy, or remorseful and start anticipating trouble.
Emotions: Notice a negative emotion.
Anxiety.
Event: Event just preceding the feeling of anxiety?
Wife giving a look and turning away.
Meaning: What meaning is my mind giving to wife giving a look and turning away?
Wife is upset, unhappy, or trouble is coming. There's going to be an argument. Maybe silent treatment.
Reality: What actually happened? Hint: What can be (in most cases) recorded on a video?
Wife looking with raised eyebrows and not speaking. The mind giving meaning wife is upset cannot be recorded on video. Her expressions can be recorded, her squint can be, but not the fact that she's upset with ME. Her being upset with me is an interpretation, and is only in the mind. In reality only she looked at me and turned away.
Other Possible Reasons if emotions persist: None of these reasons have to be real or factual. It's only to clarify to our mind that what's being concluded by the event is only A TRUTH, out of a possible many truths, but not THE TRUTH.
Others looking at the same event could conclude:
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- Wife had something on her mind and she was lost in her thoughts. But that didn't mean she was upset with me for coming home late.
- She had to go and do something else urgently and couldn't pay attention to me. Her expression was a concern about what she wanted to do and had nothing to do with me.
- She had talked to a friend and was feeling upset as a result, not because I arrived later than promised.
- Kids had done something to annoy her, but wasn't upset with me.
- Etc., etc., ...
We behave as if the meaning itself is reality. This is the reason for so many negative emotions and the problems associated with them. To learn to disassociate one needs to only focus on the preceding event that caused the emotional response and separate the meaning from the reality. Identifying the meaning and the reality is enough at times to completely dissolve a negative emotion. This is very different from suppressing where the emotions resurfaces at a later time. One literally feels a water balloon of emotion getting popped and the negative emotion melting away.
In a way it is being MINDFUL of what's happening by paying attention, and using a process. Without focus and mindful attention the person is likely to fall into the routine habit of dealing with stress.
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Mini Example 2:
It starts raining outside.
Case 1: Person going to bed.
Emotional response: None
Case 2: Person going to bed with child's/personal wedding next day out in the open.
Emotional response: Negative
Case 3: Person going to bed. The person is a farmer and it hasn't rained in a few months. Crops were about to die. Now they'll be saved.
Emotional Response: Positive
Case 1:
Emotion: None
Event: Rain
Meaning: None
Reality: It's raining.
Case 2:
Emotion: Negative: Fear, dread, anger, frustration, anxiety ...
Event: Rain
Meaning: What a mess. Wedding will be ruined. Costs. What about guests. All effort wasted. Why did it have to happen to me. Why am I always so unlucky.
Reality: It's raining (video can record rain not what's in the 'head' about disaster)
Case 3:
Emotion: Positive: Happiness, elation, gratefulness ...
Event: Rain
Meaning: What a wonderful thing this rain is. My crops are going to be saved! Mortgage will be paid. I'll be able to reap a reward.
Reality: It's raining.
It's a pretty long email and I hope it helps someone. I'll later illustrate how I worked to automate this process. I do believe a person should be able to start reaping the benefits within weeks to a few months.
Gringo
p.s This may not be what the OP had in mind with this thread. I only know this worked for me and wasn't much difficult. I didn't do much meditation either. The mind adapted on its own to whatever was required to become more at ease with things as long as I followed the process.
p.s.s. I have tried Brain Entertainment where alpha waves are generated in the ears as one listens to some beats. It seemed to improve the effectiveness and I do experience extra calm as a result. But I didn't do it often enough or consistently to know how big of a factor it was.
p.s.s.s There are other steps prior to embarking on this journey that helped me eliminate major limiting beliefs. I don't have enough evidence to know whether a person going straight to this method is going to experience difficulty or whether it's going to be fine. I personally think this method should work for everyone without any prior experience but may take longer. There is evidence from other articles that major beliefs cause disruption with taking this leap of faith. Beliefs like 'change is difficult' could prevent someone from accepting this change and delay the results.
Fantastic post. I have done something similar and echo all you have written.
