Looking back over my journey = NAUSEA!

JamesEM

JamesEM

For some reason, I decided to look for the details of my first ever live trade to share it on Twitter (you can check it out HERE). As you do when going through old documents/photos etc. I started to stop and read...

I saw 4 binders, rammed full of charts...some printed in colour, others black and white. Endless notes, doodles, calculations. I saw the receipt for the first seminar that I took on the day of my 26th birthday on the 11th of August 2006. £1600 for 3 days! I looked at the info they taught us and laughed and cringed at the same time. I looked at the letter of complaint I wrote to my bank when this same company reached into my bank account and took an additional, unauthorized, £500 as "pre-payment" for the advanced course that I had only expressed an interest in.

Flights to Florida for mentorship at $900/day (I did three days) with a lady who claimed to trade but conviently had broken internet access even though I could access her Wi-Fi with my Laptop. Jobs that I left (and replaced with not so nice agency work) just so I could trade the market open. Did I say charts?? Charts, charts and more charts!

Then there are the video journals. Literally 100's of GBs of video journals. Daily...weekly...monthly recaps. Oftentimes chasing my tail in a useless, but dogged, pursuit of trading success.

Then I saw my medical folder with all the health problems I developed whilst trying to climb this mountain called trading. High blood pressure...aldosteronism...eye-strain...insomnia. I was so determined, I sometimes spent 16 hours a day, practicing, studying. Replay on NinjaTrader. Painstaking, manual backtesting before. Endless self-talk and introspective study.

Then I laughed at the mistakes - how could I expect to make money trading 50-100 shares with a $3K account whilst paying $32 in commissions?!?! Trying to scalp the gbp/jpy (and other minors) with their huge 5,6,7 tick spreads....with a 10 tick stop!!! Taking out a £20K ($40K at the time) loan and hoping to trade it well enough, 1.5 years into my journey, to not only pay the monthly installment for the loan...but also to "live" off of....embarassingly naive to say the least....

I look at the young, determined, budding trader I was back then. FULL of optimism, living in London with a career as a professional chef...

Then I look at the battle-hardened, not-so-young, 37 year-old father that has turned the corner. There are a whole host of other life challenges that, together with (or perhaps "because of"..?) the treacherous journey towards profitability, have left me feeling beaten, tired and *almost* apathetic towards the very real skill that I now have that I fought so hard to attain.

I feel a sense of deep sadness, almost mourning, for the fact that my trading has become truly mundane. I have routines written on rich text files. I have spreadsheets and scorecards. I make videos capturing my trading and/or recapping the day that I keep privately in the cloud. I spend less time than ever trading and keeping records and yet I'm more profitable than ever. Today was my 13th winning trading day in-a-row (with the average winning day STILL larger than the average losing day) and yet I truly don't care. The plan is in place...I just do a job. I can't even be bothered to showboat on You Tube anymore! I've got lots of other, everyday things to do outside of the 2 hours a day I spend trading...

Can anyone else relate? The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence.

Weirdest feeling ever.
 
JamesEM said:
The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence

Weirdest feeling ever.
More...

I think that's loosely called Maturity;
Young and/or inexperienced traders usually enter this game with big money sign eyes and dreams of lavish material items and tons of free time and steak and girls. and a fancy German or Italian sports car. and a Swiss Rolex or Patek Philippe watch. and designer label alligator shoes.

If you're one of the rare one's to actually reach profitability trading...you'll kind of realize you no longer want or desire those relatively silly things.
Poor rich people feel the need to show off -- while truly rich people live very modestly and conservatively and normally.

I feel that same "Weirdest feeling ever" after defeating a video game...it's a rather bittersweet moment...glad to have won after all that time and dedication, but sad to close that chapter of time.
Sometimes, it truly is about the Journey...not the destination.

"Another year...disappears...Where did it go,...I really, don't know,

High-Five, ET 2018 and Johnny Rock...hopefully this will be your year to make a killing in the shock market.
Much obliged, Xela
 
Last edited:
JamesEM said:
For some reason, I decided to look for the details of my first ever live trade to share it on Twitter (you can check it out HERE). As you do when going through old documents/photos etc. I started to stop and read...

I saw 4 binders, rammed full of charts...some printed in colour, others black and white. Endless notes, doodles, calculations. I saw the receipt for the first seminar that I took on the day of my 26th birthday on the 11th of August 2006. £1600 for 3 days! I looked at the info they taught us and laughed and cringed at the same time. I looked at the letter of complaint I wrote to my bank when this same company reached into my bank account and took an additional, unauthorized, £500 as "pre-payment" for the advanced course that I had only expressed an interest in.

Flights to Florida for mentorship at $900/day (I did three days) with a lady who claimed to trade but conviently had broken internet access even though I could access her Wi-Fi with my Laptop. Jobs that I left (and replaced with not so nice agency work) just so I could trade the market open. Did I say charts?? Charts, charts and more charts!

Then there are the video journals. Literally 100's of GBs of video journals. Daily...weekly...monthly recaps. Oftentimes chasing my tail in a useless, but dogged, pursuit of trading success.

Then I saw my medical folder with all the health problems I developed whilst trying to climb this mountain called trading. High blood pressure...aldosteronism...eye-strain...insomnia. I was so determined, I sometimes spent 16 hours a day, practicing, studying. Replay on NinjaTrader. Painstaking, manual backtesting before. Endless self-talk and introspective study.

Then I laughed at the mistakes - how could I expect to make money trading 50-100 shares with a $3K account whilst paying $32 in commissions?!?! Trying to scalp the gbp/jpy (and other minors) with their huge 5,6,7 tick spreads....with a 10 tick stop!!! Taking out a £20K ($40K at the time) loan and hoping to trade it well enough, 1.5 years into my journey, to not only pay the monthly installment for the loan...but also to "live" off of....embarassingly naive to say the least....

I look at the young, determined, budding trader I was back then. FULL of optimism, living in London with a career as a professional chef...

Then I look at the battle-hardened, not-so-young, 37 year-old father that has turned the corner. There are a whole host of other life challenges that, together with (or perhaps "because of"..?) the treacherous journey towards profitability, have left me feeling beaten, tired and *almost* apathetic towards the very real skill that I now have that I fought so hard to attain.

I feel a sense of deep sadness, almost mourning, for the fact that my trading has become truly mundane. I have routines written on rich text files. I have spreadsheets and scorecards. I make videos capturing my trading and/or recapping the day that I keep privately in the cloud. I spend less time than ever trading and keeping records and yet I'm more profitable than ever. Today was my 13th winning trading day in-a-row (with the average winning day STILL larger than the average losing day) and yet I truly don't care. The plan is in place...I just do a job. I can't even be bothered to showboat on You Tube anymore! I've got lots of other, everyday things to do outside of the 2 hours a day I spend trading...

Can anyone else relate? The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence.

Weirdest feeling ever.
More...

Suggest you offer to mentor some ETers pro bono. That should get your juices flowing again.
 
JamesEM said:
For some reason, I decided to look for the details of my first ever live trade to share it on Twitter (you can check it out HERE). As you do when going through old documents/photos etc. I started to stop and read...

I saw 4 binders, rammed full of charts...some printed in colour, others black and white. Endless notes, doodles, calculations. I saw the receipt for the first seminar that I took on the day of my 26th birthday on the 11th of August 2006. £1600 for 3 days! I looked at the info they taught us and laughed and cringed at the same time. I looked at the letter of complaint I wrote to my bank when this same company reached into my bank account and took an additional, unauthorized, £500 as "pre-payment" for the advanced course that I had only expressed an interest in.

Flights to Florida for mentorship at $900/day (I did three days) with a lady who claimed to trade but conviently had broken internet access even though I could access her Wi-Fi with my Laptop. Jobs that I left (and replaced with not so nice agency work) just so I could trade the market open. Did I say charts?? Charts, charts and more charts!

Then there are the video journals. Literally 100's of GBs of video journals. Daily...weekly...monthly recaps. Oftentimes chasing my tail in a useless, but dogged, pursuit of trading success.

Then I saw my medical folder with all the health problems I developed whilst trying to climb this mountain called trading. High blood pressure...aldosteronism...eye-strain...insomnia. I was so determined, I sometimes spent 16 hours a day, practicing, studying. Replay on NinjaTrader. Painstaking, manual backtesting before. Endless self-talk and introspective study.

Then I laughed at the mistakes - how could I expect to make money trading 50-100 shares with a $3K account whilst paying $32 in commissions?!?! Trying to scalp the gbp/jpy (and other minors) with their huge 5,6,7 tick spreads....with a 10 tick stop!!! Taking out a £20K ($40K at the time) loan and hoping to trade it well enough, 1.5 years into my journey, to not only pay the monthly installment for the loan...but also to "live" off of....embarassingly naive to say the least....

I look at the young, determined, budding trader I was back then. FULL of optimism, living in London with a career as a professional chef...

Then I look at the battle-hardened, not-so-young, 37 year-old father that has turned the corner. There are a whole host of other life challenges that, together with (or perhaps "because of"..?) the treacherous journey towards profitability, have left me feeling beaten, tired and *almost* apathetic towards the very real skill that I now have that I fought so hard to attain.

I feel a sense of deep sadness, almost mourning, for the fact that my trading has become truly mundane. I have routines written on rich text files. I have spreadsheets and scorecards. I make videos capturing my trading and/or recapping the day that I keep privately in the cloud. I spend less time than ever trading and keeping records and yet I'm more profitable than ever. Today was my 13th winning trading day in-a-row (with the average winning day STILL larger than the average losing day) and yet I truly don't care. The plan is in place...I just do a job. I can't even be bothered to showboat on You Tube anymore! I've got lots of other, everyday things to do outside of the 2 hours a day I spend trading...

Can anyone else relate? The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence.

Weirdest feeling ever.
More...
Congrats James, always enjoyed reading your postings. Find some other thing to learn (musical instrument, language, programming). :)
 
lawrence-lugar said:
I think that's loosely called Maturity;
Young and/or inexperienced traders usually enter this game with big money sign eyes and dreams of lavish material items and tons of free time and steak and girls. and a fancy German or Italian sports car. and a Swiss Rolex or Patek Philippe watch. and designer label alligator shoes.

If you're one of the rare one's to actually reach profitability trading...you'll kind of realize you no longer want or desire those relatively silly things.
More...
Interesting avatar...

:D
 
JamesEM said:
For some reason, I decided to look for the details of my first ever live trade to share it on Twitter (you can check it out HERE). As you do when going through old documents/photos etc. I started to stop and read...

I saw 4 binders, rammed full of charts...some printed in colour, others black and white. Endless notes, doodles, calculations. I saw the receipt for the first seminar that I took on the day of my 26th birthday on the 11th of August 2006. £1600 for 3 days! I looked at the info they taught us and laughed and cringed at the same time. I looked at the letter of complaint I wrote to my bank when this same company reached into my bank account and took an additional, unauthorized, £500 as "pre-payment" for the advanced course that I had only expressed an interest in.

Flights to Florida for mentorship at $900/day (I did three days) with a lady who claimed to trade but conviently had broken internet access even though I could access her Wi-Fi with my Laptop. Jobs that I left (and replaced with not so nice agency work) just so I could trade the market open. Did I say charts?? Charts, charts and more charts!

Then there are the video journals. Literally 100's of GBs of video journals. Daily...weekly...monthly recaps. Oftentimes chasing my tail in a useless, but dogged, pursuit of trading success.

Then I saw my medical folder with all the health problems I developed whilst trying to climb this mountain called trading. High blood pressure...aldosteronism...eye-strain...insomnia. I was so determined, I sometimes spent 16 hours a day, practicing, studying. Replay on NinjaTrader. Painstaking, manual backtesting before. Endless self-talk and introspective study.

Then I laughed at the mistakes - how could I expect to make money trading 50-100 shares with a $3K account whilst paying $32 in commissions?!?! Trying to scalp the gbp/jpy (and other minors) with their huge 5,6,7 tick spreads....with a 10 tick stop!!! Taking out a £20K ($40K at the time) loan and hoping to trade it well enough, 1.5 years into my journey, to not only pay the monthly installment for the loan...but also to "live" off of....embarassingly naive to say the least....

I look at the young, determined, budding trader I was back then. FULL of optimism, living in London with a career as a professional chef...

Then I look at the battle-hardened, not-so-young, 37 year-old father that has turned the corner. There are a whole host of other life challenges that, together with (or perhaps "because of"..?) the treacherous journey towards profitability, have left me feeling beaten, tired and *almost* apathetic towards the very real skill that I now have that I fought so hard to attain.

I feel a sense of deep sadness, almost mourning, for the fact that my trading has become truly mundane. I have routines written on rich text files. I have spreadsheets and scorecards. I make videos capturing my trading and/or recapping the day that I keep privately in the cloud. I spend less time than ever trading and keeping records and yet I'm more profitable than ever. Today was my 13th winning trading day in-a-row (with the average winning day STILL larger than the average losing day) and yet I truly don't care. The plan is in place...I just do a job. I can't even be bothered to showboat on You Tube anymore! I've got lots of other, everyday things to do outside of the 2 hours a day I spend trading...

Can anyone else relate? The excitement of the battle to make it to CP (consistent profitability) is over....and now there is just silence.

Weirdest feeling ever.
More...

Yea, can understand, you lose concepts like value of money, what you once thought you would get as far as material toys, seem meaningless. Years of giving up or places to go for fun while others would wave or send you snapshots that only hurt even more of you not doing. And now my friend you have to live with it and that can become harder. I don't manually trader any more, too slow and can't remember all the rules so automation way to go. But how bout you try different segment of trading, options on stocks, long term commodities, you need more challenges otherwise you might one day and quit. Start a business, research first for few years before plowing in.
 
The moment I'm bored and uninterested I know I'm falling behind as there are hungrier people coming up in the market all the time.
 
@JamesEM I appreciate what it takes to get to your level of maturity. I have always found good traders to be just that. They are very intelligent, have many interests and are not obsessed with the markets, rather just study it as part of their profession. Best of luck and congrats again.
 
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