Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work...."
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work...."
So my pal meets an old drinkin' buddy and they tie a good one one. My pal pukes all over himself, and laments to his friend.,
"Oh, shit. My ole' lady's gonna kill me. She warned me about gettin' wasted."
"Hey, no problem pal," as his friend pulls out a twenty, and stuffs it in into his buddies shirt pocket. "You just tell her I did it, and I gave you the twenty to pay the cleanin' bill. That's the truth, ain't it?"
"Wow, great idea man, Thanks."
When our hero gets home, his wife gives him hell, but he pulls out the twenty, and tells her the story.
"Hey, hey hey. It wasn't me", he slurred."My ole friend couldn't hold his liquor, and he puked all over me. That's what the twenty is for. ... to clean my shirt."
He reaches in his pocket, pulls out another twenty and says...
"And I'm pretty sure he shit my pants, too."
"Oh, shit. My ole' lady's gonna kill me. She warned me about gettin' wasted."
"Hey, no problem pal," as his friend pulls out a twenty, and stuffs it in into his buddies shirt pocket. "You just tell her I did it, and I gave you the twenty to pay the cleanin' bill. That's the truth, ain't it?"
"Wow, great idea man, Thanks."
When our hero gets home, his wife gives him hell, but he pulls out the twenty, and tells her the story.
"Hey, hey hey. It wasn't me", he slurred."My ole friend couldn't hold his liquor, and he puked all over me. That's what the twenty is for. ... to clean my shirt."
He reaches in his pocket, pulls out another twenty and says...
"And I'm pretty sure he shit my pants, too."
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately,, moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
years old) what he had to say for himself
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I
just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately,, moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
years old) what he had to say for himself
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I
just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else.
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condoms all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!" the man replies. Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."
:eek:
condoms all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!" the man replies. Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."
:eek:
Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were
pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the
used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early,
shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river,
and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling
with cranky crocs.
As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and
demanded, "Quick, Jane, a martini!" Tossing it back he
barked, "Another, Jane, on the double!" Gulping it down, he
held out his glass again. "One more, Jane."
"Aw, honey, don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" she
chided gently.
"You don't understand, Jane... it's a jungle out there."
pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the
used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early,
shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river,
and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling
with cranky crocs.
As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and
demanded, "Quick, Jane, a martini!" Tossing it back he
barked, "Another, Jane, on the double!" Gulping it down, he
held out his glass again. "One more, Jane."
"Aw, honey, don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" she
chided gently.
"You don't understand, Jane... it's a jungle out there."
A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. (We will
shop for tools and big screen TVs)
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How
many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying
with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out
of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. (We will
shop for tools and big screen TVs)
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How
many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying
with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out
of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
I think I worked for this guy in high school!
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's
office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller
stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the
young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and
began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again,
and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and
fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from
the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get
out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or
any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he
found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front
of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay
and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand
around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for
lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around
the corner."
:eek:
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's
office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller
stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the
young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and
began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again,
and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and
fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from
the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get
out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or
any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he
found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front
of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay
and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand
around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for
lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around
the corner."
:eek:
For Bubbles and Company:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
----------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
---------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
----------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
---------------------------
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone
just got his food."
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone
just got his food."
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