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Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
Careful Wording of All Wishes. . .


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with verything I say."
 
Three women -- one german, one japanese and a hillbilly – were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The german pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said. "

I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The japanese women lifted her palm to her ear.

When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "well, will you look at that. I'm gettin' a fax."
 
4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. The fourth highschool dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...

Highschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Highschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Highschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.

>>The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Highschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Highschool Dude 1: What a shame.

Highschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends
 
Six Classic Love Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.&nbs p;
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home "I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?" The bartender replied:
"The same thing. I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest
and let the poison work."
 
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you
prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ Bearded guy-in-the-sky
___ Cosmic Cop
___ Punishing Father
___ Jealous God
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Accepts and loves gays
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms, Pat Robertson, etc.)

When beseeched,
___ doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
___ yawns and takes a nap

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please
check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, etc.
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________


6. Have you ever worshiped a false god before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Jesse Jackson
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ FDR and The New Deal
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know --what's "Divine Intervention"?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced handling of disasters and
miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Hillary Clinton
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear, honest, and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5
excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. How many other gods have you tried before ordering this one?

11. Which is the next god that you intend to try if you are not happy with
this one?

12. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services?
 
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