Jokes

[Optionpro007]

Quote from JWS11:

I don't know how you Dems can live with yourselves, as you continue to pretend that you really believe that the man who has whipped your butt over and over again, and again, and again, is not a whole lot smarter that all of you put together...

 

[Jodi]

Bumpersticker I saw yesterday...

"If it isn't torture then it's ok to use on Cheney"



Still lmao....

Jodi

If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try to sleep in a closed room with a mosquito.

 

[abishiai]

Hey you guys, save the political dueling for the threads dedicated to that. I read this one 'cause I want a good chuckle.

BTW, I'm a big Republican and I thought the joke was really funny.

Cheer,

kp

 

[howellpar]

Subject: Little Davie Said


> A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
> started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
> stand up!"
> After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do
> you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
> "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
>
> *****
>
> Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
> on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
> "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
> the cream with a tissue.
> "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
>
> *****
>
> A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
> students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
> Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
> understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
> grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
> Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
> Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
> Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
> know! He's in our bathroom!"
> The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
> Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
> Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs
> on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in
> there?!"
>
> *****
>
> The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in
> class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28
> and 44?"
> Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
>
> *****
>
> Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> police station where they saw pictures of the 10 most wanted
> criminals tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed
> to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
> "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
> him."
> Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
>
> *****
>
> Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
> the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny
> asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
> His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
> sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
> Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
> Mom..."

 

[howellpar]

Religious Differences

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
_____________________________________________

 

[howellpar]

Timing and Choices

Dear Husband:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife

****


Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.


When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.


After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

 

[howellpar]

Friendly Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said;

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's
not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them
and said;

"New house, new madam, new hookers."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird
looked at him and said;

"Hi Keith."

 

[JWS11]

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

[JWS11]

The Good Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and have never held a steady job in my life" he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat lots of salty and fatty foods, and never exercise. I make love to several women every day and sleep very little. And every time I have any extra money, I blow it on drugs."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "you are a very rare case indeed! How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

 

[Optionpro007]

Note from dad: (a democrat)

OH yes a note. about this torture thing. The best would be to put each terrorist in a small room with Howard Dean for 12 hours. That would be torture!!!!!