Jokes

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A door to door dildo salesman is making his daily rounds. He knocks on the first door and a brunette answers. He introduces himself, explains that he is selling dildos, and would she like to buy anything today? She says, "I like the looks of that little pink one. How much is it?" He sells it to her for $10.

At the second house, a redhead answer s the door. The salesman goes into his spiel and shows off his wares. The redhead says, "How about that medium sized purple one?" He sells it to her for $15, happy that his day is getting off to such a great start.

At the third house, a blonde answers the door. The dildo salesman has barely started his pitch when the woman stops him and says, "How much is that big silver one?" The salesman says, "Well, I guess I can sell you that one for $20."

Unfortunately, despite such a great start the rest of his day goes badly and our protagonist doesn't sell any more dildos. He goes back to dildo headquarters and his boss asks him, "So, how was your day?"

The salesman replies, "Well, it wasn't bad. I sold one of the little pink ones for $10, the medium sized purple one for $15, and you won't believe this, but I sold my thermos for $20."

Martin
 
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
 
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
 
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten.


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner ‘Bulb Accomplished’;
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally ‘in the dark’ the whole time;
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
 
Quote from MackieMesser:

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten.


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner ‘Bulb Accomplished’;
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally ‘in the dark’ the whole time;
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
More...

It should be eleven. The little guy who will really change the bulb is missing from the list. Halliburton will just make the money, but then use their connections to use a civil service employee to do that work.
 
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