Jokes

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Thinking from a Man's Perspective

(this is so very, very wrong!!!)

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked".
 
Quote from JayK:

Going Hi-Tech

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member.' He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

:D
More...

I first heard that in 2nd grade, 1968
 
What Women Mean

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

:D
 
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three
ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to
ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar,
so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the
ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your
name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do
the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So,
you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And
don't even ask about my frickin' day."
 
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“You got any duck food?” The bartender looks at the duck and says, “hey, this is a bar, we don’t have any duck food.”

The duck leaves, only to return the next day and asks the bartender, “got any duck food?” Again, the bartender tells him, “I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we don’t have any duck food.”

On the third day, the duck returns and asks “do you have any duck food?” The bartender is irate at this point and he screams, “look pal, we don’t have any duck food here, and furthermore, if you ever ask for it again I am going to nail your little duck feet to the floor”.

The next day, the duck comes back and looks at the bartender, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” screamed the bartender.
“Got any nails?” asked the duck. An exasperated bartender yelled, “NO, this is a bar, “we don’t have nails!”

The duck looked at him and said, “good, got any duck food?”
 
Murphy's Law: Examples

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

:D
 
Parlez vous Francais?

"...And in a related story, CNN is reporting that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The raised alert was precipitated by a recent fire, which destroyed one of Frances' white flag factories, completely disabling their military... (OOPS!)"

:D
 
> > During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners
> > asks the students, "Michael, if you were on a date,
> > having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
> > you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
> >
> > "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
> >
> > "That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you
> > John, how would you say it?"
> >
> > "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom,
> > I'll be right back."
> >
> > "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
> > bathroom at the table.
> >
> > "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for
> > once and show us your good manners?"
> >
> > "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a
> > moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
> > mine,whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'
 
You might be an Okie Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever used the phrase, "May the force be with
y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a
bottle of Pearl.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer
colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in
your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the
dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your body odor.

You have ever used the force to get yourself
another beer so you didn't have to wait for a
commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with
fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come
on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its
self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the
barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of
your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing
Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and
you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought
that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on
how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance
to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium
Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels
during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and
your uncle
 
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