Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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Quote from Bubble:
Robek,
If I thought this was true, I wouldn't have posted it under "jokes" would I?
Lighten up dude. LOL.
Hmmm, as a pure 'joke' it sucks. You have to believe it is true for it to have any impact at all.
m
Missing Bill Clinton
On a recent Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.
On a recent Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.
Once upon a time...
Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. All the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner.
So, late one night, the first bat goes and comes back after two hours. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat answered: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. Now, the second bat goes and comes back after four hours, all her face covered in blood.
Dracula, astonished, says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school dormitory. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now, as the sun is rising, the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
To which the bat whispers: "Well, I didn't".
Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. All the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner.
So, late one night, the first bat goes and comes back after two hours. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat answered: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. Now, the second bat goes and comes back after four hours, all her face covered in blood.
Dracula, astonished, says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school dormitory. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now, as the sun is rising, the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
To which the bat whispers: "Well, I didn't".
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can
kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The
next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you. This
morning I stopped reading
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can
kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The
next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you. This
morning I stopped reading
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.
Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook..."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.
Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook..."
The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
Coach Darryl because he snored so bad.
They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they vote to take turns. The first coach sleeps with Darryl and
comes to breakfast next morning
with is hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what
happened to you?"
He said, "Man, that Darryl snored so loud, I watched him all night"
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, e yes all bloodshot. They say, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Darryl shakes
the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player-looking type of man's man.
Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning."
They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darryl into
Bed and kissed him good night.
He watched me all night long."
To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
Coach Darryl because he snored so bad.
They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they vote to take turns. The first coach sleeps with Darryl and
comes to breakfast next morning
with is hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what
happened to you?"
He said, "Man, that Darryl snored so loud, I watched him all night"
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, e yes all bloodshot. They say, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Darryl shakes
the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player-looking type of man's man.
Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning."
They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darryl into
Bed and kissed him good night.
He watched me all night long."
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