Jokes

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New Hospital Wing

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a miss-conception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the End, the Proctologists left the decision up to some jackass who didn't give a shit.
 
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

(Signed) - CLUELESS


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore you're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

(Signed) - ABBY
 
From a Florida Wal-Mart:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
 
An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your avail able working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

:p
 
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even
before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into
the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was
startled to see a dripping wet, totally naked woman sitting
in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the
hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver replied, "Well, ma'am, I can't help noticing that
you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay
your fare?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,
smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything
smaller?"
 
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The
old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,'
'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old
priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"
 
Today's Market Report

Today in the markets, helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow descent. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins dried up. Coke fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue reached a new bottom.

(spotted in Reader's Digest)
 
Quote from Aaron:

Today's Market Report

Today in the markets, helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow descent. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins dried up. Coke fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue reached a new bottom.

(spotted in Reader's Digest)
More...


Ugggh, pls stick to your dayjob Aaron. RD posts shud be banned here.

That joke ruined my evening ...:(
 
Quote from Aaron:

Today's Market Report

Today in the markets, helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow descent. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins dried up. Coke fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue reached a new bottom.

(spotted in Reader's Digest)
More...

Thanks, my youngest one will enjoy this!

Bsulli
 
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