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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
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MEMORABLE MERGERS

Xerox and Wurlitzer -- (The new company plans to make reproductive organs.)

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.)

3M and Goodyear (The new company will be called MMM Good.)

John Deere and Abitibi-Price (The new company will be called Deere Abi.)

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil
(The new company will be called Honey, Im Home.)

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining
(The new company will be called Mine All Mine.)

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants (The new company will be called Poupon Pants.)

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women
(The new company will be called Knott NOW.)

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

Motorola and Enron (The new company will be called MORON.)
 
Famous Faith Sayings:

A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.
-Arthur C. Clark

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
-Hebrews 11:1
"To see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." --Benjamin Franklin

"Faith means not wanting to know what is true." --Frederich Nietzche
"Faith is believing what you know ain't so." --Mark Twain
Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding," --Reverend Martin Luther
All I know is that without faith, deception is impossible. And to my experience, the only thing in the universe that really requires faith is a bad liar.
Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to.
-From the movie, "Miracle On 34th Street"
"Faith is believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."
-Voltaire
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it.
-Samuel Butler
Faith is knowing there is an ocean because you have seen a brook
-William Arthur Ward
The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason
-Unknown
first have faith in those around you, but most importantly always have faith in yourself!
-reese witherspoon legally blonde
When logic fails,faith begins
-Unknown
Faith in someone gives you support, while faith in yourself brings courage.
-Bryan
"hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier."
-Anon
Faith moves forward,
Doubt looks around,
Unbelief turns back.
-Jose B. Cabajar
It is easier to walk on water with faith, than to walk on thin ice with fear.
-Scott Johnson
But how can you be sure?
-Faith.....It's like the wind, i cant see it, but i feel it
--jaime( a walk to remember)
Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.
-St. Augustine
Faith in yourself will guide you to the right choices.
-Ashley FReelove
if you have faith in faith, then faith will always be faithful to you
-kingy
It takes a lot more faith to live this life without faith than with it.
-Peter De Vries
Faith is something entirely possessed by children, and they don't know they have it.
-Ed Howe
Faith without works is like a bird without wings; though she may hop with her companions on earth, yet she will never fly with them to heaven.
-Francis Beaumont
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." --Barbara J. Winter
It is useless to tell one not to reason but to believe --you might as well tell a man not to wake but sleep.
Lord Byron 1788-1824, British Poet
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
--Albert Einstein
It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believe in myself
--Muhammad Ali
 
1. You can GET chocolate.

2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good
 
A Message to the Women We Love

* If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

* Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

* Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

* Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

* Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

* You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

* Crying is blackmail.

* Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

* No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

* Check your oil. Please.

* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.

* ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Fuchsia, however, is extremely ugly. Do not wear it.

* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

* Don't fake it. He'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

* Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

* Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.


* If you keep asking for flowers, it can never be a surprise when you get them.

* If he ever sees you kiss another girl and you appear to enjoy it, he'll remember that moment until he's been dead for 1,000 years.

* The best things in life may be free, but chances are they also have something to do with sex
 
A blonde female Sheriff's deputy pulls over a blonde in a convertible
sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for
her driver's license.


The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally
she asks, "What does it look like?"


The blonde deputy tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."


The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact,
opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde
deputy.


After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde deputy rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If
you would have told me you were a law enforcement officer when I first
pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
 
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they mo ved out.

P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.

B U Y A G R A Injectable st imulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyon e too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

:p
 
TRUE Tales - Taken from a Medical Journal:

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

**********
At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

**********
One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart"

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

**********
I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

**********
During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

**********
While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

**********
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

**********
And Finally (always leave the best for last). . . .

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name
_____________________________________________
 
A tip for guys!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
that I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously
considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? I think not
 
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