Jokes

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1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
 
A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
Gene had just finished his first shot on the ninth hole at the Northview Gold Club in Surrey and was approaching his second shot when he heard a noise in the nearby bushes. Not having seen any golfers previously playing before him, he thought that perhaps another golfer was having a “rest relief” break.

Just about to start his next shot with a Three Iron, the person in the bushes shouted out to him, “Heh – you got any paper?” Quite disturbed by the unwelcome disturbance, Gene muttered back, “No – I don’t have any paper.”

Getting ready for his shot again, the voice from the bushes became more urgent, “Have you got any spare clothing with you – or a golf rag on your cart? Anything!!!” Once again, Gene shouts back, “No – I don’t!”

Now Gene was quite upset, and just wanted to get away from the bush. So he reached into his golf bag for a Six Iron… Setting up for the swing, the voice from the bush comes back to him, “Got change for a twenty dollar bill?”
 
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh!"
 
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down... Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
 
Somehow I think the married ladies on the board will enjoy this one!

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and
they would have married him anyway.

:D
 
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!

*****
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

*****
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

*****
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"

*****
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says:
"Well, I spoke to your wife -- spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


| |
 
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following of his words of wisdom, and have a Happy New Year!

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
Not Found In The Dictionary - Part 1

404… Someone who’s clueless - quite possibly a moroff. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

Accordionated... Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

Adminisphere… The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Administratium… Another of the heaviest elements known to man (see also Governmentium).

Afrophobia... Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles.

Anality... The act of being anal retentive over something.

Archive… Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard.

Altar Ego… Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows.

Aquadextrous... Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium... The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye.



Arbitrator... A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

Arson… Our daughter’s brother.

Assmosis… The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable... What a bullfighter tried to do.

Axis… Cabs without ires, runks, and ransmissions.

Badify... To make something worse.

Bakinmyday... A law passed in the early 1900's that made it mandatory to build all schools at least 15 miles from all future grandfathers.

Beautimus... Beautiful and gorgeous.

Bernadette... The act of torching a mortgage.

Bigamy… Little Amy’s mom.

Blamestorming… Sitting around in a group, discussing why a dealine was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Blowtensil... A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal... no point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer.

Bozone… The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating; The thin layer of clowns just above the stratosphere.

Burgacide... When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Burglarize... What a crook sees with.

Buzzacks... People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carperpetuation... The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Chid... A young person who does not wish to be referred to as a child or a kid.

Clamburger... Burger made out of clam butts.

Cliffier... One who reads Cliff Notes instead of real books.

Concubine... machine that Canadian farmers use to harvest wheat.

Confiction... A belief held in contradiction to the truth.

Confushion... A chaotic dissarray where everyone feels very safe and secure.

Conscience… Biology and chemistry classes for prisoners.

Constipation... To have and to hold.

Control... A short, ugly, inmate.

Coronary… Canary that dropped dead.

Counterfeiters... Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Crapostiniezatio... When one is afraid of making a splashing sound in the toilet when people are in adjacent cubicals.

Craptacular... Being of the bad gas persuasion.

Crop Dusting… Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to Prairie Dogging.

Cube Farm… An office filled with cubicles.

Cutiful... Cute and beautiful.

Deja Flu... The feeling that you've had this cold before.

Demagogue... A politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that they're in a terrible storm.

Derflartahide... The act of coughing or sneezing loudly to hide the sound of flatulation.

Dexteropath... A person who actually believes conservatism is an intelligent and thoughtful way of thinking.

Diatribial... Pertaining to doing office work well below your capability.

Dimp... A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

Disconfect... To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Disinvited... You were invited but are now not invited.

Disnasterous... Nasty and disastrous - often with embarrassing moments.

Divorce... From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Dopeler Effect… The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Eclipse... What an English barber does for a living.

ECNALUBMA... A rescue vehicle which can only be seen properly in the rearview mirror.

Eiffelites... Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics... The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration... The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Elephino... Cross between an Elephant and a Rhinoceros.

Explain… Now beautiful.

Exsocialate... To distance oneself from others under the belief that they are pretty much all untrustworthy moroffs.

Eyedropper... A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Flufferize... To take a word or sentence that is bland or common, and expand upon it or make it personal.

Frisbeetarianism... the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Frust... The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Garbage… Period after the Ice Age when everyone put on clothes.

Garbotuous... Big Bot search engine finder of diatribe data.

Generica… Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where on is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

Giraffiti… Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido… All talk and no action.

Governmentium… The heaviest element yet known to science (see also Administratium).

Grocerise... To sell off non-perishable food articles through eBeh channels.

Gruesome… Got slightly taller.

Gruntled... A satisfied (non-disgruntled) employee.

Handicrapper... The largest stall in the office bathroom - the one with the most move-ment room that is reserved for handicapped people but is never available when you need it.

Heroes... What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis… Terminal coolness.

HonkoSecond... The time between the light turning green and the sound from the car horn behind you.

Hypothescience... The intuition that a solution to an intractable problem could be found, if people would just take time to work on it.

Iceomaniac... One who has to go out of their way to step on thin ice to hear a satisfying crunching sound.

Iconomic... Making do with fewer icons on your computer desktop.

Ignoranus… A person who’s both stupid and DUBM.

Inoculatte… To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication… Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Investiquire... The act of investigating non-common knowledge.

Irritainment… Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

Karmageddon… It’s like, when everybody is sending off al these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
 
Part 2 . . . . .

Lactomangulation... Manhandling the "open here" spout on a mile container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Leftbank... What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

Liability… A talent for telling untruths.

Magaseen... The ancient reading material in your doctor's office.

Malenutrition... The practice of depriving a man from food for more than a couple of hours - or during a football game.

Mentally… Counting male patients at the asylum.

Misty... How golfers create divots.

Moral… When Al visits for the second time.

Mouse Potato… The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Nasolactaspew... The result of laughing while drinking milk.

Neonphancy... A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Obsessionerds... Joe-ksters who just cannot keep themselves from submitting stupid words that might be funny if people knew just what the heck they were talking about.

Obviosity... Something that is clearly obvious.

OhNo Second… 1 nanosecond after you've sent your "Take your job & stuff it" email to your boss.

Osteopornosis… A degenerate disease.

Paradox... Two physicians.

Parasites... What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Peppier... The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Percussive Maintenance… The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Pertyful... Pretty and cute.

Petrophobic... One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Pharmacist... A helper on the farm.

Phonesia... The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pickup artist… An artist whose specialty is painting pictures of trucks.

Pickupnoxious... Having attitudes particular to the ill-bred, testosterone-poisoned male, characterized by poor driving habits, rudeness, and inordinate pride in owning a pickup truck.

PITA... Pain in the ass, as in "she is such a pita."

Plastodon... A person whose face is 51% or more plastic from reconstructive surgery.

Polarize... What penguins see with.

Prairie Dogging… When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Primate... Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Proctocol... One who is a practical rectum digger - short form of 'proctological'.

Pseudonymphomania... The compulsive desire to have sex under an assumed name.

Pupkus... The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Radialyricterial... A person who knows all the words to all the 50s, 60s & 70s songs.

Reintarnation… Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief... What trees do in the spring.

Reverend… Paul’s sore backside after spreading the word that the British were coming.



Rubberneck... What you do to relax your wife.

Sacapupu... Japanese dirty diaper.

Salmon Day… The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Sarchasm… The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Seagull Manager… A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



Selfish... What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sitcoms… Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Snipocrite... A person who silently scrutinizes the hairdressers' hair before deciding whether or not to turn their own head over to this person.

Snishwools... French bread.

Snost... past tense of snooze ("you snooze, you loose"... "You Snost, you lost!"). An implication that it is too late to change anything. Short form: "Snost!"

Squez... Past tense of squeeze.

Stress Puppy… A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subordinate clauses… Santa’s helpers.



Sudafed... Brought litigation against a government official.

Supermarket… Grocery store with special powers and a clever disguise that fights for truth, justice, and the American way.

Swipeout… An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Taxidermists… Someone who buffs, waxes, and paints the exteriors of cabs.

Techspian... A poser who is a techie just so he/she can be an actor.

Telecrastination... The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Terminal Illness… Getting sick at train depots, bus stations, and airports.

Toesmearish... The annoying occurrence of the toe nail polish smearing under your other toes during the drying process.



Toupee… A teepee made of synthetic hair.

Traficious... A place with too much traffic (i.e. Vancouver in 2010 will exhibit exorbitant traficiousness).

Unaware… The last thing you take off before getting into the bath.

Unison… Lad with an androgynous look.

Usurped... Something you put on your pancakes.

Vervacious... Having to do with verve during an inter-college social event.

Violent… Paint colour that makes brutal men see red.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch... The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.

Woker... A dolt (or moroff) who frequently does something so idiotic you laugh about it 'till it hurts.

Woofys… Well Off Older Folks.

Woppajoppies... Oversized headphones.

Xerox Subsidy… Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
 
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