Jokes

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Okay, even if Bill Gates isn't REALLY the Devil, you can bet that the following just might/should happen ;-) :

Eventually Bill dies and finds himself in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter is embarrassed, "I don't know what to do with you Bill..."

"... You put a PC in every household..."

"On the other hand, you made Windows 95..."

"So, I tell you what." he offers...

"You can choose between Heaven and Hell."

Bill: "Really, I can choose?"

"Yes, pick one," replies Peter.

Bill, who, is very professional, says "OK, can I visit both before deciding?"

"OK, we can do that. Which do you want to start with?"

Bill: "Why not start with Hell?"

And so they both went to Hell.

They find that it's magnificent. There are great beaches with plenty of sun. There are naked women everywhere, all smiling at Bill.

"That looks fantastic!" Bill says, "Now, how about Heaven?"

Then they went to Heaven. It's magnificent too. There are the same great beaches with plenty of sun. In fact, it looks just like Hell, except there are no naked women.

"OK," Bill says, "This is a no-brainer. I pick Hell!"

After a week St. Peter decides to visit Bill, who was sent to Hell. The poor guy was writhing on the ground, screaming, and clawing at the ground with his nails. He shouts at St. Peter: "No! No! No! I can't stand it any more!"

"What's wrong?" St. Peter asked.

Bill says, "I don't understand. This is nothing like what I saw the first time! Where are the beaches? Where are the naked women?"

St. Peter smiled and answered calmly, "That was just a demo."
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men.One for January, one for February, one for March........"
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Now, shut up, get your own stupid blanket and go to sleep!"

:p
 
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...

You gotta love a man like this...

Humor in the face of defeat

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes and some without) to his girl friend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
 
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with
Colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the
existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my G-d."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


:D :D
 
The top 13 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

6. Plug up the chimney

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

13. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
 
Quote from mytwocents:

I'm sure this is in here somewhere already, but I love it:
What do you say to a women with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
More...

this is probably one of my favorite jokes, haha
 
...What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher agreed.

:p
 
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, exhausted and thoroughly soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and yells, "Why don't we just start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

:p
 
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