Jokes

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During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation in the state of New Mexico, President George W. Bush said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. The President refused repeated requests for details of his plan. However, he also told the Apaches that during his career as the Governor of Texas, he signed "YES" 9,637 times.... for every Indian issue that reached his desk for approval.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Walking Eagle. After the President departed on Air Force One, tribal officials explained to the news media that Walking Eagle is the name given a bird so full of shit that it can't fly.
 
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me - I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'!!"
 
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
 
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant.

They go inside and ask the waitress, "Could you please tell us the name of the place where we are right now really, really, really slowly?"

The waitress goes, "Bu-rrr-gerrr-Kiiiing!"

:p
 
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate
 
27 Things to Do Before the Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with draft-age young people.
6. Visit Syria, or any other foreign country.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from the library before they're banned:
constitutional law books, "Catcher in the Rye," "Harry Potter,"
"Tropic of Cancer," etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix, do it now.
11. Come out. Then go back in fast.
12. Cram in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
13. Stay out late before the curfews start.
14. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
15. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
16. Use the phrase - "you can't do that; this is America."
17. Marry someone of another race.
18. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
19. Enroll your child in an accelerated art or music class.
20. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
21. Learn French.
22. Attend a gay commitment ceremony.
23. Take a factory tour in the US
24. Take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
25. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
26. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
27. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
 
Quote from Bubble:

27 Things to Do Before the Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
...
More...
28. Pay your taxes - they will not be with us too much longer!

OK guys, it's over. It's done! WE RULE!! AGAIN!!! Deal with it... Please? :p
 
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

(Next week: Scientific terms for the NUCULAR industry)

:p
 
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