Jokes

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There were 3 friends stranded on a desert island. Exploring their environment, they found a bottle and opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes.

The first man said, "I am so lonely, I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family.

The second guy said "I'm lonely too, and I wish I was in a bar with my 4 brothers" then poof he was gone.

The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said, I am now more lonely than ever... I wish my friends were here with me. Poof, his two friends were back on the island!

:) :) :)
 
Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees:

Charles SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"
 
Greek &Italians

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says:
"We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says:
"We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says:
"We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says:
"We had the Roman Empire"
and so on and so on and then the Greek says:
"We invented sex"
The Italian says:
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women
 
Oh To Be Six Again


The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got
up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to Disneyland.

What a day! They went on every ride in the park. The
Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates
of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion. Five hours
later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head
was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home
with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly
changed.

"Is that what this crazy day was all about? You
idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it
wrong.


:confused:
 
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
 
A few friends went to play golf. One friend who played very badly was bragging about his new found hobby, The Art of Chinese Tea Drinking. Ofcourse he bored us to death.

To try to stop him from bragging further, another friend interupted him by telling that he has one or two things to learn regarding Chinese Tea. So he started: "Basically there are three types of Chinese Tea.

The first type is found in the Yunan Province , China. It has 10% body and 90% aroma. It is called the Eff-aye-are Tea.

The second type is found in the Fuchow Province. It has 50% body and 50 aroma. It is called the Ass-hedge-eye Tea.

The third is found deep in the jungle of Kwongchow Province. It has 90% body and 10% aroma and it is known as the See-you-Anne Tea.

The other friends burst into laughter while this guy was blinking his eyes wondering what he has missed. "What huh? What T, how do you spell that ?"
 
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two

dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says ,

"sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."



2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into

orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd

shot round the world.



3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One

took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other

stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and

naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.



4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they

started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage

you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon,

slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking

for the man who shot my paw."



6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to

the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He

wanted to transcend dental medication.



7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a

hotel and met in the lobby, where they were

discussing their recent victories in chess

tournaments. The hotel manager came out of

the office after an hour, and asked them to

disperse. Apparently, the hotel won't tolerate

chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.



8. A woman has twins and gives them up for

adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and

is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish

family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan

sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband, she

wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He

replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've

seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"



9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help

with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy

flowers from the Men of God, so their business

flourished. A rival florist became upset that his

business was suffering because people felt compelled

to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut

back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist

went to them and begged that they shut down. Again

they refused. So the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the

biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars'

shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed

their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be

back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop

and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and

only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot

his whole life, which created an impressive set of

calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which

made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered

from very bad breath. This, of course, made him a

super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



11. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 puns

to his friends with the hope that at least one of the

puns would make them laugh. But, alas, no pun in

ten did!
 
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.


The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."



The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ..............................................


"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'."
 
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