Jokes

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15 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3
in Housewares," and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and insist on putting a bag of M&M's on
lay-away.

6. Move a "CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in Sporting Goods. Tell other shoppers you're sleeping
over and invite them in, but only if they bring pillows from the Bedding
Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why
can't you people just leave me ALONE?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk, "Do you
know where the anti-depressants are?"

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from Mission Impossible.

12. In the Auto Department, practice your Madonna look using different
sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack. When people browse through it, say in a
high-pitched voice, "Pick me! Pick me!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "NO!!! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while. Then yell
loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
 
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."



Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
 
This may have been on this forum last year, but, it's still funny. . . .

Wedding Story with A Moral

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
An ancient Greek monastery perched high upon the Meteora cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."

:p
 
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