Jokes

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A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped, and an Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and said, "Would you like to buy a tie?"

"No" said the man, "I need water, do you have water?"

"No" said the Arab, "but I do have a wonderful selection of ties."

"I don't want a tie !, I want water!" the man protested. The Arab rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the steps, crying "Water! Water!"

The Manager approached him and said, "I'm sorry Sir, you can't come in here without a Tie !!"
 
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
 
This blonde goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for
her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a
blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about
the same size, and asked the other blonede widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

So... I switched the heads."
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
Monica Lewinsky Finds Religion

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was
depressing her. In an act of desperation,
she decided to call on God for help.

"God...if you take away my love handles, I'll
devote my life to you," she prayed.


And just like that, her ears fell off.
 
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.

Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "Every week, my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. How much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was dumbfounded - "Your son must be a very successful man. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has two little cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

(batta bing!!)
 
I don't know if this joke is already on this thread:

A guy is waiting in line to buy some plane tickets and the woman behind the counter is a beautiful blonde with big breasts. When he gets up there he says "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh."

He gets really embarassed and the guy behind him starts laughing. The guy says, "Ha! A Freudian slip. I did the same thing the other day to my wife at the breakfast table. I meant to say 'hey pass me the sugar' and instead I said 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!'"
 
A much married woman walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she sought a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Well," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress do you seek?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white one, with a veil."

Temporarily at a loss for words, the sales clerk finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time; that is, for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well," replied the customer, more than a little put out, "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. That wedding was annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well," said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed telling me how good it was going to be."
 
flyplane.jpg
 
Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate
steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a
step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the
number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower
paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personnel through early retirement
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can
request review of their employment records before actual retirement.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the
upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees
may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the Government of Ontario deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, s/he will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severence).
Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has
received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The Province of Ontario wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain that management will continue its policy that employees will
continue to be well trained through the SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) Program. This government takes pride in the amount of SHIT our
people receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other
provincial government in Canada, probably North America, and likely the
World. If any employee feels that s/he does not receive enough SHIT on
the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially
trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle.
Thank You.
 
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