Jokes

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INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

----------

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth

$49.00.
-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O


With Enron,

you would have had

$16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O



With WorldCom,

you would have had less than

$5.00 left.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00



worth of Beer one year ago,


drank all the beer,

then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Based on the above,



current investment advice is to





drink heavily and
recycle.



It's called the 401-Keg Plan
 
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." - Groucho Marx


**************************

"As an entertainer I travel a lot. I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines
employee and I asked him what 'Delta' stands for. He said, 'Don't Expect
Luggage To Arrive.'" --Adam Christing

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2
Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the window."

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up
just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle
bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in
and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to
arts and crafts to make ash-trays for Mother's Day."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"If Lincoln were alive today he'd roll over in his grave." --Gerald Ford
(president, 1974-77)

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their
old home. That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade son
from school, his teacher told them
about a conversation she overheard.

One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass."

"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a Hanukkah
celebration.

"Madison chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."
(You gotta love the little guy)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the
holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did
this with a straight face, so they thought
I was serious).

Her and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to
open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call
it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've
seen the movie ... Now, eat the star!"
 
BODY MEETING
=============
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The "ass.hole" is usually in charge.
 
(((((((( READ SLOWLY )))))))
(((((((THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER! )))))))


1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that *leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds



2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do



3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage



4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with



5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate



6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets



7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber
does for a living



8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist



9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does



10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did
when his bag was full of money



11. MISTY: How golfers create divots



12. PARADOX: Two physicians



13. PARASITES: What you see from the
top of the Eiffel Tower



14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm



15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with



16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from
in front of the TV



17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring



18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife



19. SELFISH: What the owner of a
seafood store does



20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against
a government official
 
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
 
you hear about the jewish kamakazi pilot who crashed his plane into his brothers scrap yard?




whats the difference between a pilchard and an iraqi woman?

one is greasy, oily and has bulgie out eyes - the other one is a fish
 
An old farmer in Missouri had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
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