Jokes

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says,

"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're now all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands,

"Didn't I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?"

The guy replies, "I did that yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

:p
 
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to
the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem; the grass at my home is
about two feet tall!"



:D
 
funnies:

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" and the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?"
 
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

:p
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet
their maker, because of the grief they have experienced,
He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears
this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his
wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!


:D :D :D :eek:
 
Confessions

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
 
Quote from Bubble:

Confessions

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.

He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

he priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
More...
:D
 
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you w/sexual assault" she says.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

The Game Warden looks at her for a minute, then says "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL:Never argue with a lady who reads. It's likely she can think too
 
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