Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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Subject: Math Theory
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder a bout those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder a bout those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
LIFE
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone
Life has now been explained to you.
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone
Life has now been explained to you.
This guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous blonde, sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yeah, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs but it just sits there not moving at all. The blonde says, "Well? whats up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's
AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth
disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application,
believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to
propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through
Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least,
unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious
disease unit....
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical,
insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP)
has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however,
will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not
vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's
AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth
disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application,
believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to
propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through
Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least,
unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious
disease unit....
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical,
insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP)
has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however,
will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not
vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet......in a year's time, whichever family that had become more American would win.
A year later they met again. The first Pakistani said " My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I am on my way to pick up a case of Bud for the game, how about you?"
The second man said "Fuck you dick head!"
He won the bet.
(They must have settled in NYC.)
A year later they met again. The first Pakistani said " My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I am on my way to pick up a case of Bud for the game, how about you?"
The second man said "Fuck you dick head!"
He won the bet.
(They must have settled in NYC.)
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
All of the secretaries in my office were called in to an important personnel meeting. On my way to the meeting, I noticed one of the secretaries was still sitting at her desk, and I asked why she wasn't on her way to the meeting. She complained that her printer wasn't working. I tried to help her by fiddling around inside and lo and behold, we discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.
The secretary started to jam her fingers down in to the printer to get the pen, but I told her we didn't have time for that now as the boss was expecting us all in the meeting. I told her to just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then we could report it to the Help Desk after the meeting. So she grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it.
I left before she finished the note but when we came out of the meeting, I passed her desk and got a good laugh. I then ran to my car to get my camera and took a pic of the note
See the attached photo for the pic.
The secretary started to jam her fingers down in to the printer to get the pen, but I told her we didn't have time for that now as the boss was expecting us all in the meeting. I told her to just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then we could report it to the Help Desk after the meeting. So she grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it.
I left before she finished the note but when we came out of the meeting, I passed her desk and got a good laugh. I then ran to my car to get my camera and took a pic of the note
See the attached photo for the pic.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigara for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to club car."
"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice,
'Nofolka Virginia!
Nofolka Virginia!'"
"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigara for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to club car."
"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice,
'Nofolka Virginia!
Nofolka Virginia!'"
"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"
A wise old bull and a young bull were on a hill and the wise old bull was trying to teach the young bull the wisdom of life. The two bulls spotted some young cows down it the valley. The wise old bull thought this would be an ideal teaching moment so he says to the young bull. What do you think we should do in a situation like this? The young bull ponders a few seconds and says. Lets run down and screw one. The wise old bull laughs and says. You silly young bull if you had any sense you would walk down there and screw them all.
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