Jokes

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The US Navy will be implementing a new catch and release program in its war on terrorism. This new program targets smaller terrorist cells and fringe groups for the purposes of intelligence gathering.

Once these small groups are captured and interrogated, they are then released as seen here in this Navy photo....



:D
 

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The "Whys" of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACK?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon fellows, the ladies laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the winner is:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
 
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." JackNicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies

"Yes."

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:





FOR BEST RESULTS PUT ON TWO COATS
 
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Two blondes at a party one wearing a name tag above her right breast. Another blonde comes up to her and says cool, what did you name the other one!
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The Jews don't acknowledge Jesus.
The Protestants don't acknowledge the Catholics.
The Baptist don't acknowledge each other at the liquor store!
---------------------------------------------------------

God was asked where are you going on your next vacation? I'm
not sure but I know it's not earth. I went there once 2000 years ago and had sex with a Jewish girl and they are STILL talking about it!
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The condemned man is in the electric chair, the priest (or pastor or what ever) is called in the priest asks do you have a last request? The condemned man says yes will you hold my hand when they pull the lever?
-------------------------------------------------------
:D :D
 
"Ancient Chinese Proverbs"

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
3 engineers were having lunch on a park bench one afternoon. A mechanical, an electrical and a civil engineer. They were arguing over what type of engineer God was.

The mechanical engineer said "Well, God was definitely a mech engr. Look at the human body; it's an incredible work of levers, muscle, tendons and all sorts of mechanics."

The electrical engineer said, "No way. God was definitely an elec eng. Look at the nervous system, brain and spinal cord. What an elegant blend of electrical signals and impulses."

They both looked to the civil engineer who reluctantly stated, "Hell, NO WAY God was a civil engineer! If he was he would had never placed the Sanitation department so close to Parks & Recreation!"
 
A man walking on the streets of NY city wanted desperately to speak with God. He passed by a Catholic church and figured this would be the venue. He walked in and asked the priest how much to place a telephone call to God.

"500 dollars," was the reply. "It's a long-distance call, you know"

The man thanked the priest and left. He continued walking then came upon a Mormon temple. He entered and asked the parishoner the same question.

"2,000 dollars", was the reply. "It's a long-distance call, you know."

Dejectedly, the man thanked the parishoner and left. He was distraught as he only had a few cents in his pocket. He continued walking and soon came upon a Jewish temple. He entered and asked the rabbi, "Rabbi, I would like to speak with God. How much for a telephone call?"

"25 cents, dear man." was the answer.

The man responded, "How can it be? The Catholic church wants 500 dollars and the Mormon temple asked for 2,000. How can you charge only 25 cents?"

"It's a local call!" beamed the rabbi.
 
Apologies if this has been posted before. This thread's getting too large to search anymore ;)

---------------------------

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the
Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship
after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.....

But as we know....the great ship did not make it to
New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and
the cargo was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were
disconsolate at the loss....

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a
National Day of Mourning which they still observe to
this day....

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May
5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de
Mayo....
 
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