BobCathy -
ROFL!
ROFL! 
Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
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Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
-------------------------
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
------------------------
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course.
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, and turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing."
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, and turning to the beggar with the cross and says, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing."
Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question
from Dr. Buford T Buttocks, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another
vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you
out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. Heaven help you if you thought different, lol]
from Dr. Buford T Buttocks, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another
vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you
out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. Heaven help you if you thought different, lol]
how to spot a rich man...
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought The Cathouse Parrot "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought The Cathouse Parrot "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
Patient (very worried): Doctor, I ache throughout my whole body and I don't know why...
Doctor (leans back and looks at him carefully): OK, I see... Where exactly do you feel pain?
Patient (touching various points of his head, chest, arms and legs): I hurt here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here!
Doctor (his eyes opening wide with sudden comprehension): You have a broken finger!
Doctor (leans back and looks at him carefully): OK, I see... Where exactly do you feel pain?
Patient (touching various points of his head, chest, arms and legs): I hurt here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here!
Doctor (his eyes opening wide with sudden comprehension): You have a broken finger!
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