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Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When
I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler
coming at me with a weapon.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbdddddddddddddddd
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to
her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today!
What in the world should I do
now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play
your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the
table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the
floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He
asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36
came up. Then she just fainted!"
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpppppppppppppppppp
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was
astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his
office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the
phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900
dollars is for bringing you back around."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvwwwwwwwwwwwwwvvvvvvvvvv
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
An old farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his property that he
had not visited in a long time. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women were skinny dipping
in his pond. He politely made the women aware of his presence, and soon
they all moved to the deep end of
the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The farmer replied, "Oh, don't worry about me. I didn't come down here to
see you skinny dipping. I'm just here to feed the alligator."
The moral being: Age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
EVERY time!
I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler
coming at me with a weapon.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbdddddddddddddddd
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to
her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today!
What in the world should I do
now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play
your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the
table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the
floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He
asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36
came up. Then she just fainted!"
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpppppppppppppppppp
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was
astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his
office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the
phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900
dollars is for bringing you back around."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvwwwwwwwwwwwwwvvvvvvvvvv
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
An old farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his property that he
had not visited in a long time. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing.
As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women were skinny dipping
in his pond. He politely made the women aware of his presence, and soon
they all moved to the deep end of
the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The farmer replied, "Oh, don't worry about me. I didn't come down here to
see you skinny dipping. I'm just here to feed the alligator."
The moral being: Age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
EVERY time!
There once was a sweet young thing who had just discovered the man of her dreams. As luck would have it, their first date took place on the evening of her family's annual chili contest, of which she was the judge.
The gas was starting to gurgle as they arrived back at her place after the movie. Desperate to pass the gas, but unable to find a way to be alone without offending her new beau, she came up with a plan. She brought him over to the piano and explained that she had composed a tune for him. She started playing a sweet melody then WANG she hit a hard chord and laid a big fart.
The boyfriend smiled and she knew she had gotten away with it, so she tried it again.
After the second humungous fart she was starting to feel much better, and asked him how he liked her tune. He said it was beautiful and asked her what she called it.
She said she called it "The Storm"
He said it was the most realistic tune he had ever heard and asked her to play it again, only this time leave out the part where the lightning hits the outhouse.
The gas was starting to gurgle as they arrived back at her place after the movie. Desperate to pass the gas, but unable to find a way to be alone without offending her new beau, she came up with a plan. She brought him over to the piano and explained that she had composed a tune for him. She started playing a sweet melody then WANG she hit a hard chord and laid a big fart.
The boyfriend smiled and she knew she had gotten away with it, so she tried it again.
After the second humungous fart she was starting to feel much better, and asked him how he liked her tune. He said it was beautiful and asked her what she called it.
She said she called it "The Storm"
He said it was the most realistic tune he had ever heard and asked her to play it again, only this time leave out the part where the lightning hits the outhouse.
I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I
looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang
doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear
view mirror.... shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back,
he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost
dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I
looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang
doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear
view mirror.... shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back,
he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost
dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
If you have ever or will ever raise a teenager then you want to read this one! lol
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http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8107675670&rd=1
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