Jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around
naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from
streaking.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir
Cumference

A boy who looked like his father the sculptor was a chip
off the old block

The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijana to
his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's
busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse.


Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because
baggers can't be choosers.

"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the
corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


The man who worked in the gum factory fell in a vat of
bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out.



:)
 
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see
what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning
from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that
he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose.
You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.


Don
 
The Ring

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend," he said. Our
jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know - sorry - but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had"
 
Signs resulting from poor knowledge of English ...
(Taken from "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer)

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Tokyo Hotel: It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Belgrade ho tel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

From a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner i f dressed as a man.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot h eave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
 
The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for a college course and the instructions were that it had to
include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who
received an A+ wrote the following:


Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.


:)
 
There was actually a writers' organization in Chicago that held a yearly national contest for the best and shortest complete story - and by complete they meant with a beginning, middle and end, location, situation definition, character(s), plot with as much suspense as possible, etc. Maybe this is still happening. At any rate, from what I remember (took part once but no cigar) in 1995 or 1996 the winner entry was:

"The last man on Earth sat heavily at the edge of his bed. There was a knock on the door..."

I think it's great :)
 
Quote from Yannis:

There was actually a writers' organization in Chicago that held a yearly national contest for the best and shortest complete story - and by complete they meant with a beginning, middle and end, location, situation definition, character(s), plot with as much suspense as possible, etc. Maybe this is still happening. At any rate, from what I remember (took part once but no cigar) in 1995 or 1996 the winner entry was:

"The last man on Earth sat heavily at the edge of his bed. There was a knock on the door..."

I think it's great :)
More...

The 1962 entry was a lot funnier.....
 
The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client,

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good; he never beat his mother, he was always kind to little children, he never did a dishonest thing in his life, he has always lived by the golden rule, and he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . .”

At which point, her client turned to his codefendent and said loudly,

“How do you like that bitch? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's babbling to the jury about some other guy!”

:) :) :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top