Jokes
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the
courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked
on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict
of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the
courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked
on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict
of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: That's nothing. Look at me. I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. And every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up!"
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: That's nothing. Look at me. I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. And every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up!"
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his coat and then washes his hands. He then takes of his sweater and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another, articles of clothing gradually fly here and there, and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Oh, nothing... perhaps just the fact that I didn't really feel a thing!"
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another, articles of clothing gradually fly here and there, and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Oh, nothing... perhaps just the fact that I didn't really feel a thing!"
The Perfect Woman
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and
happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the
road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk
with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a
dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're
bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as
soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across
the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally
sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day
I learn who my real friends are."
happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the
road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk
with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a
dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're
bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as
soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across
the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally
sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day
I learn who my real friends are."
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the
courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked
on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict
of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the
courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked
on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict
of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client
didn't."
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