Jokes

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It's amazing how much the military has changed over the past 10-15 years. For instance, the “ground pounders” now have night goggles, infrared vision filters, and a whole slew of different doo-dads in their arsenal.

I also understand that soldiers are now issued a dozen condoms each. These high tech condoms are made by the same folks who make the Stealth Bomber and they're actually called Stealth Condoms, sporting the same catchy motto with the bombers: “they'll never see you coming!”

:p :p :p
 
HAIRCUT


A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in
the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of
customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
haircut, but then doesn't come back.

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
 
There is a merry family gathering, with all the generations around the table. The teenagers (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into 85 yr old Grandpa's drink. After awhile, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
 
During an impassioned sermon on death and facing judgment,
the pastor said forcefully, "every member of this church
is going to die and face judgment." Early on in the sermon
he noticed a gentleman smiling on the front row.

The minister kept pushing his theme, "Every member of this
church is going to die." The guy smiled even more while
everyone else in the congregation had a very somber look.

In an effort to get through to the guy, the preacher
repeated it several more times forcefully, "EACH MEMBER OF
THIS CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE."

Each time the phrase was repeated, the man smiled more.
This really got the preacher wound up and he preached even
harder. The man still smiled. The preacher finally walked
down off the platform to stand just in front of the
smiling man and shouted, "I SAID EACH MEMBER OF THIS
CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE."

At the end of the service the man was smiling from ear to
ear. While everyone else was looking pretty grim from the

prospects, the man was now almost laughing out loud.
After the service the preacher jumped down off the
platform and worked through the crowd to find the man.
Pulling him aside, the preacher said, "I don't get it.
Every time I said, 'Every member of this church is going
to die,' you were laughing. I want to know why you did
that?"

The man looked the preacher square in the eye and said
confidently, "I'm not a member of this church."


:D
 
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a
tire without losing your place in line.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are
just as many people trying to get to whatever you're
trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush
hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder
who died.

* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on
the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take
the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a
hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some
places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and
make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to

buy the car driving next to you.

* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be
bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield
wiper.

* Our highways have become insane asylums with turn
signals.



:D
 
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