MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes of the Associated Press
6:01am est 04/01/04
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St.
Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the
Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will
acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If
the deal goes through, it will be the first time a
computer software company has acquired a major world
religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the
senior vice-president of the combined company's new
Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior
vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be
invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT
Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the
next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined
resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow
us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line
service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line
for the first time" and revive the popular
pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences,
said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory
-- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include
a macro language which you can program to download
heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your
computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St
Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian
Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci --
hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700
sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement.
When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear
one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the
pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to
the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which
includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da
Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.
"You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that
thousands of years before the Catholics came on the
scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both
draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church
has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger
audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth
Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's
market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism,
which was the first to offer many of the concepts now
touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade
to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing
arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were
instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to
use it. Today Christianity is available from several
denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most
widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four
corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop
a scalable religious architecture that will support all
religions through emulation. A single core religion will
be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the
religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and
acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for
the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches
scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly
competitive religious market.
April Fool's!
By Hank Vorjes of the Associated Press
6:01am est 04/01/04
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St.
Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the
Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will
acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If
the deal goes through, it will be the first time a
computer software company has acquired a major world
religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the
senior vice-president of the combined company's new
Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior
vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be
invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT
Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the
next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined
resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow
us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line
service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line
for the first time" and revive the popular
pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences,
said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory
-- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include
a macro language which you can program to download
heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your
computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St
Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian
Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci --
hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700
sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement.
When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear
one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the
pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to
the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which
includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da
Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to
these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.
"You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that
thousands of years before the Catholics came on the
scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both
draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church
has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger
audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth
Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's
market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism,
which was the first to offer many of the concepts now
touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade
to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing
arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were
instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to
use it. Today Christianity is available from several
denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most
widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four
corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop
a scalable religious architecture that will support all
religions through emulation. A single core religion will
be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the
religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and
acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for
the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches
scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly
competitive religious market.
April Fool's!
