Jokes

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Nice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there
for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked
out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young
boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth
Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain
luck. However, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another
large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
couldn't take it any longer and said, "Son, I've been here for over
an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes
and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
.
"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the
worms warm!"
 
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don't wear because they are out of style She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once, because the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are."

:p
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," says the little boy.

His mother tells him he gets no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. Then he goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow; goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he wails.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you gonna tell him, or should I?"

:p :p
 
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a ....

Misdewiener

OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody












____________________________________________________
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Well, then, consider this..............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had ! so mething to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits! Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life supportsystem so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

WAIT! STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? are you telling me that you're STILL having a Bad Day???? Unbelievable!! Well, in that case, here's a winner for you:

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better???? Yeah, I thought so!!

:p
 
Recently, a police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity (trying his keys on five vehicles) the man managed to find his car and FELL in. He was sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (NOT raining), flicked the turn signals on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minute (as more patrons left in their vehicles). At last, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights promptly pulled the man over.

He administered the Breathalyzer test, but to his amazement there was no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

:p :p
 
The Queen calls Tony Blair into her office.

"Mr. Blair, I want to be certain you're up to your duties, so kindly solve the following riddle: Your mother gives birth to a baby, but it's neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Blair replies, "It's me."

"Very well," the Queen replies. "Carry on."

Blair relates this item to his friend George W. Bush, who decides to test his cabinet. He calls John Ashcroft into the Oval Office and poses the riddle.

Ashcroft replies, "Mr. President, I'll need to do some research," excuses himself, goes straight to Colin Powell's office, and poses the riddle.

Powell replies, "It's me."

Ashcroft returns to the Oval Office and replies to the President, "Sir, it's Colin Powell."

George Bush replies, "You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
TWO DRUNKS IN A BAR


These two buddies were drinking (long after work) in a bar and had passed the point most would consider as drunk!

A short distance away at a table, three young ladies were enjoying sandwiches, fries, etc.

One of the ladies suddenly jumps up, grabbing her throat and gasping for air. She is choking on a French fry.

One of the drunks jumps off his bar stool and runs over.

Standing in front of her, he asks, “Can you talk?”

Shaking her head indicating NO. She opens her mouth and points.

The drunk immediately spins her around and bends her over the table.
Just as quickly he pulls her pants down around her ankles. He then proceeds to swirl his drooling wet tongue around on her bottom.

While trying to yell and get free the French fry dislodges and she can once again breathe.

Feeling very pleased with himself, the drunk goes back to the barstool next to his buddy.

His buddy says, “You know, I have heard about that HIND LICK maneuver, but that is the first time I have ever seen it performed.”
 
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