NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this story can be. They actually have a Chili cook-off
about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from a very inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the Budweiserbooth, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the actual scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank): Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
too seriously.
Judge #3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
the beer.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Overall - Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300 pound bitch is starting to
look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Frank, Judge #3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili.
Judge #3: (NO Entry).
