Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
~ Gail
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
~ Gail
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets...
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it...
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed...
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think...
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity...
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it...
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities...
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity...
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it ...
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity...
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent!
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets...
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it...
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed...
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think...
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity...
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it...
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities...
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity...
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it ...
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity...
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent!
The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around
that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone
who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and
all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into
the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that
the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started
squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly
squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and
asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you
a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"
************************
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers Suddenly an angry passenger pushed
his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied,
"I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these
folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work some thing out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM" Without l
hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to
Gate 14?" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in
line for that, too."
that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone
who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and
all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into
the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that
the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started
squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly
squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and
asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you
a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"
************************
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers Suddenly an angry passenger pushed
his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied,
"I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these
folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work some thing out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM" Without l
hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to
Gate 14?" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in
line for that, too."
A and C anyone can relate to as for B the tech heads in the crowd will love it! lol
a)Windows toaster:
The windows toaster looks great, but sometime it just won't make toast, it either comes out burnt or raw, you have to unplug the toaster and plug it back in again, each time you want to try and make some toast. For every loaf of bread you buy you are forced to buy a new toaster to go with it.
b)Linux toaster.
The linux toaster looks awful, it has wires crimped together hanging out of it, the first time you make toast with it it burns it, the next time its raw, you read the man pages and invoke the command line, toast -verbose -breadsize 50132 -eject -o z3321 > /dev/toast | more and it makes perfect toast ever after.
c)MAC toaster
The MAC toaster has no settings or controls, it looks very stylish, but will only accept proprietry size bread which can only be bought from Apple main dealers at 10 times the price of regular bread. The toast is fine except that the size of the bread is so odd, you can't actually eat the toast it produces, although it does look good.
Bsulli
a)Windows toaster:
The windows toaster looks great, but sometime it just won't make toast, it either comes out burnt or raw, you have to unplug the toaster and plug it back in again, each time you want to try and make some toast. For every loaf of bread you buy you are forced to buy a new toaster to go with it.
b)Linux toaster.
The linux toaster looks awful, it has wires crimped together hanging out of it, the first time you make toast with it it burns it, the next time its raw, you read the man pages and invoke the command line, toast -verbose -breadsize 50132 -eject -o z3321 > /dev/toast | more and it makes perfect toast ever after.
c)MAC toaster
The MAC toaster has no settings or controls, it looks very stylish, but will only accept proprietry size bread which can only be bought from Apple main dealers at 10 times the price of regular bread. The toast is fine except that the size of the bread is so odd, you can't actually eat the toast it produces, although it does look good.
Bsulli
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim
and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is
essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you
name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is
essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you
name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
A group of Cubans leave their island, and begin their trip to Miami.
In the middle of their arduous journey, the oldest man on board, suffers a major heart attack and as a last request, asks to see a Cuban flag so that he may say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.
Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other cubans search the boat desperately to find something that will resemble a flag of their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything.
Almost ready to abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.
The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man, and places it right down in his face. The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, my country...I will miss you so."
Almost 15 minutes of good-bye passes, when he looks up at the girl and says, "Now Chiquilla, turn around, por favor, so I may kiss Fidel good-bye!"
In the middle of their arduous journey, the oldest man on board, suffers a major heart attack and as a last request, asks to see a Cuban flag so that he may say good-bye to his dearest Cuba.
Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other cubans search the boat desperately to find something that will resemble a flag of their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything.
Almost ready to abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.
The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man, and places it right down in his face. The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, my country...I will miss you so."
Almost 15 minutes of good-bye passes, when he looks up at the girl and says, "Now Chiquilla, turn around, por favor, so I may kiss Fidel good-bye!"
Holy Land
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and
mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who
explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over
$5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense
and we can do a very nice burial here."
the guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and
mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who
explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over
$5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense
and we can do a very nice burial here."
the guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED
STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER
ENTERING THE AREA:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive
because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a
name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million
dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want
to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate
29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the
water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old
he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.
My personal favorite, #6.
STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER
ENTERING THE AREA:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive
because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a
name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million
dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want
to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate
29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the
water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old
he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.
My personal favorite, #6.
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