Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
- Start date
- Status
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
********************************
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.
"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."
Bsulli
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
********************************
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.
"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."
Bsulli
Subject: Women!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND FINALLY, THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON...
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag
of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused, she says,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
" You see, it's like this," he replies, "yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND FINALLY, THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON...
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag
of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused, she says,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
" You see, it's like this," he replies, "yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking
my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for
work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I
know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be
sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may
now contain false
information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He
even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things
when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to
the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has
determined that my house is completely surrounded by
wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in
some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing
the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for
work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I
know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be
sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may
now contain false
information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He
even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things
when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to
the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has
determined that my house is completely surrounded by
wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in
some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing
the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
Sitting at home bored one day, Superman decides to check out what the other superheroes are doing while there are no crimes to stop.
He flies past Spiderman's house and sees him relaxing with a beer watching the game. Thinks to himself, nah, that's boring.
He flies past Batman and Robin's, sees them playing cards, but figures he has no one to play with.
Flies to Wonderwoman's house, looks through her window and sees her lying naked in bed, her legs spread open. Thinks to himself how hot she looks, and figures that with his Super speed, he rush in there, pop her and get back out before she knows what's happened.
So, he flies in, bang, bang, bang, he's done and flies out. Wonderwoman gets up and goes What the Hell was That! Invisible man goes, Fucked if I know, but my ass is burning!
He flies past Spiderman's house and sees him relaxing with a beer watching the game. Thinks to himself, nah, that's boring.
He flies past Batman and Robin's, sees them playing cards, but figures he has no one to play with.
Flies to Wonderwoman's house, looks through her window and sees her lying naked in bed, her legs spread open. Thinks to himself how hot she looks, and figures that with his Super speed, he rush in there, pop her and get back out before she knows what's happened.
So, he flies in, bang, bang, bang, he's done and flies out. Wonderwoman gets up and goes What the Hell was That! Invisible man goes, Fucked if I know, but my ass is burning!
alfonso
ROFL
ROFL
http://www.dailyspeculations.com/music/4.mp3
Too funny. Will have to turn the volume up a little to hear it well, but worth it.
Bsulli
Too funny. Will have to turn the volume up a little to hear it well, but worth it.
Bsulli
A blonde was shopping, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "It's a thermos - it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "That's amazing! I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk and asked, "What's that?"
"It's a thermos" she answered... "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "What do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
The clerk said, "It's a thermos - it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "That's amazing! I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk and asked, "What's that?"
"It's a thermos" she answered... "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "What do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
Heaven
Hillary died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at
the
Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked,
"What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"
said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she
never told a lie." "Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is
that
one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Hillary died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at
the
Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked,
"What
are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"
said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she
never told a lie." "Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is
that
one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy
holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger
hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop
bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger
hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop
bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
- Status