Jokes

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Which reminds me of another story I heard years ago:

A young a very pretty actress, used to getting her way, was testdriving a brand new Lotus out there in Nevada. With very few cars around, she just floored it and reached speeds above 120 miles per hour, and then higher and even higher.

Soon enough, a police car was chasing her, to no avail. But, after some time, she gave up, relaxed on the gas pedal and allowed the police to catch up with her.

The young policeman got out and walked over to her car - took a look and then another look and smiled.

"What's the problem, officer," she said seductively, "was I driving a bit too fast?"

"No, my angel," he answered, "you were just flying a bit too low..."

:) :) :)
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed for sure!!!

:D
 
1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..
5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.


Bsulli
 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." (oops - how did this one get in here? :))

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

:) :) :)
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
> > > > > phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
> > > > > speaker-function
> > > > > and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
> > > > > to listen.
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "Hello"
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "Yes"
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this
> > > > > beautiful leather
> > > > > coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
> > > > > and saw the
> > > > > new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "How much?"
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "$60,000"
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
> > > > &! gt; options."
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house
> > > > > we wanted
> > > > > last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer,
> > > > > but just
> > > > > offer $900,000."
> > > > >
> > > > > WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
> > > > >
> > > > > MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
> > > > >
> > > > > The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking

> > > > > at him in astonishment.
> > > > >
> > > > > Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
Seven Degrees of a Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."



SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.
 
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices
murmuring.

He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the
middle and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people
were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great
Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and
asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"


Bsulli:D
 
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer
going to remind her children of their thank-you note
duties.

As a result their grandmother never received
acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the
grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think
caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I
didn't sign the checks."


________________________________________________

Software Engineering

At a recent computer software engineering course, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the
flight control software, how many of you would disembark
immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that
he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's
software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.

_________________________________________________

Shopping with the wife

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to
his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the
hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout
counter.

The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and
supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm
toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at
all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"


Bsulli:D
 
"Those were really tough times. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me."

"As soon as I arrived in camp they gave me a 10-gun salute - or so they told me on the operating table."

Bob Hope (May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003) R.I.P.
 
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