Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
- Start date
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A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
>
>
> Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His
> parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
> learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help
his
math!
>
> Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and
> enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day,
little
> Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't
even
kiss
> his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
> studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and
little
> Zachary was hard at work. His
> mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the
minute
> he
> was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time,
> he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
>
> This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried
> to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary
brought
> home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room,
> and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and
to her
> great surprise, little
> Zachary got an "A" in math.
>
> She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and
> said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
>
> Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
>
> "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
> structure, the uniforms? What in Moses' name was it?"
>
>
>
> Little Zachary looked up at her and said, "Well, on the first day
> of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
> weren't fucking around."
>
>
> Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His
> parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
> learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help
his
math!
>
> Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and
> enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day,
little
> Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't
even
kiss
> his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
> studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and
little
> Zachary was hard at work. His
> mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the
minute
> he
> was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time,
> he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
>
> This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried
> to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary
brought
> home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room,
> and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and
to her
> great surprise, little
> Zachary got an "A" in math.
>
> She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and
> said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
>
> Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
>
> "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
> structure, the uniforms? What in Moses' name was it?"
>
>
>
> Little Zachary looked up at her and said, "Well, on the first day
> of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
> weren't fucking around."
>
How Consultants can make a difference
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This epresents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that ontingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed and furthermore began to enjoy the soup we had ordered. But I also noticed that there was a very thin
string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
My curiosity got the better of me and I asked the waiter over again, and asked, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This epresents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that ontingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed and furthermore began to enjoy the soup we had ordered. But I also noticed that there was a very thin
string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
My curiosity got the better of me and I asked the waiter over again, and asked, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
The Love Dress........
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daugter in law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
Love dress? But you're naked!
My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress"
she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," "What's for Dinner?"
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daugter in law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
Love dress? But you're naked!
My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress"
she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," "What's for Dinner?"
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