Jokes

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Luke Skywalker is having a quiet dinner in a small restaurant full of weird looking aliens, at a remote star system half-way across the galaxy. Tired of the formality at princess Lhea's palace, he's grabbing whatever's in front of him and shoveling it in as fast as he can.

Suddenly, a familar, but almost forgotten, voice speaks into his ear:

"Use the fork, Luke, "UUUSE THE FOOOOORK!!!!!"

:) :) :)
 
An American tourist was driving all over the backroads of that beautiful Greek island with the small villages on the gentle hills and the whitewashed old churches and windmills - surrounded by deep blue water .

Eventually, he got lost - and was relieved when he saw an old man in the distance tending to his olive trees. He approached and asked for directions.

The old man, stopped what he was doing, looked at the tourist, took off his straw hat and scratched his head; and then, speaking pretty good English with the characteristic Greek accent, gave the visitor clear directions back to town... and then turned back to his work. The American was impressed and relieved. Taking a moment before returning to his car, he looked around to admire the gorgeous landscape in the sunset.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Well, I'm taking care of my farm," said the old man mater of factly, without raising his head from the task at hand.

"What farm are you talking about?" persisted the American.

"Well, that's my farm, which was created by my great grandfather, long time ago... all the way from the house up above, to the edge of the country road over there... almost 10 acres total!" said the Greek with pride, while continuing to prune the stubby old olive trees.

"You call this a farm? Man, I have a real farm, in Texas, U-S-A. But, that's a BIG farm. I mean, I can start in my car first thing in the morning and drive all day, and at dinner time I'm still in my farm!"

The old man stopped, looked up at his visitor, took off his straw hat again, brushed the sweat off his forehead, put the hat back on his head, smiled, and answered calmly:

"Yes, I too used to have a car like that once!!!"

:) :) :)
 
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!

:) :) :)
 
A blonde calls up Delta airlines and asks the ticket agent, "How long does it take to fly from New York to San Francisco?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

The blondes says "Thank you" and hangs up.
 
A married woman was having sex with her lover one day.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year son was hiding
in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250,"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750,"
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them.

The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?" The son says, $1000," The father
says, "that's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is way more then those
two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the
church and the father alerts the priest, and
makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.":
 
Quote from dgabriel:

[/B]
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I thinik its a lot funnier told this way:

A married woman was having sex with her lover one day.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year son was hiding
in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Sure is dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250,"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Sure is dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750,"
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?" The son says, "$1000." The father
says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is way more then those
two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the
church and the father puts the boy in
the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Sure is dark in here."

The priest says, "Aww, Christ! Don't start that shit again!"
 
That is the funniest s**t I've heard in a while.
Nice...

Quote from dgabriel:

A married woman was having sex with her lover one day.
...
..
.
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.":
More...
 
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