Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
So what kind of cake did you bake him? he said.
Hellooooo......., she replied, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! Which would you choose? Cake or bed?????
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
So what kind of cake did you bake him? he said.
Hellooooo......., she replied, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! Which would you choose? Cake or bed?????
Three men, one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a
> > sauna.
> >
> > Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> >
> > The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked
at
> > him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip
> > under
> > the skin of my arm."
> >
> > A few minutes later a phone rang.
> >
> > The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
> > explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
> >
> > The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
> > had
> > to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went
> > to
> > the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
> > behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan
> > finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
> > sauna.
> >
> > Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> >
> > The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked
at
> > him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip
> > under
> > the skin of my arm."
> >
> > A few minutes later a phone rang.
> >
> > The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
> > explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
> >
> > The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
> > had
> > to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went
> > to
> > the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
> > behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan
> > finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Subject: Confessions
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's t! ! errible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's t! ! errible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Paolo, Gianni and Giorgio are at it again, driving all over the Italian countryside during their vacation. As usual, Paolo is contributing the car and gas, Gianni room and board, and Giorgio the girls.
As they pull up into the middle of this picturesque little village, they park at the main piazza and Giorgio leaves the other two and walks away, agreeing that they'll all meet up again at that same spot in an hour or so.
A few minutes later, Giorgio finds himself in the confession booth of the small, mediaeval cathedral, pouring his heart out to the kindly, old priest, whom he can barely see through the screen.
Yes, father, I have sinned, already sinned three times in this very village. But, it may not be my fault exclusively, because that beautiful tall and blonde girl just seduced me, the moment she saw me approach. I can't remember her name, but it was unreal - how could I resist?
Was is Katerina, at the Roma travel agency? the priest asks sympathetically, after thinking about it a bit.
Yes, father, she must have been. But then, that short brunette with the beautiful long hair, did the same thing, just a few hours later...
Was that one Sylvia at the Venetian bakery? the priest asks even more sympathetically.
Yes, father, that is true. But later still, a third one, a gorgeous, chubby redhead, about 30 years old, did the same thing... oh, I'm in real trouble!
Well, that must have been Maria, the school administrator, the priest notices with a lot of fatherly understanding.
Well, my son, he continues, just be careful in this village, just stay by yourself for a while.
A few minutes later, Giorgio catches up with his buddies, who are already peppering him with questions and looking at him with understandable expectation:
OK you guys, stop asking me how I do it, just stop. Paolo, your tall blonde's name is Katerina and she works at the Roma travel agency; Gianni, your pretty, small brunette's name is Sylvia and she works at the Venetian bakery, and my redhead mama is Maria, the school administrator!
As they pull up into the middle of this picturesque little village, they park at the main piazza and Giorgio leaves the other two and walks away, agreeing that they'll all meet up again at that same spot in an hour or so.
A few minutes later, Giorgio finds himself in the confession booth of the small, mediaeval cathedral, pouring his heart out to the kindly, old priest, whom he can barely see through the screen.
Yes, father, I have sinned, already sinned three times in this very village. But, it may not be my fault exclusively, because that beautiful tall and blonde girl just seduced me, the moment she saw me approach. I can't remember her name, but it was unreal - how could I resist?
Was is Katerina, at the Roma travel agency? the priest asks sympathetically, after thinking about it a bit.
Yes, father, she must have been. But then, that short brunette with the beautiful long hair, did the same thing, just a few hours later...
Was that one Sylvia at the Venetian bakery? the priest asks even more sympathetically.
Yes, father, that is true. But later still, a third one, a gorgeous, chubby redhead, about 30 years old, did the same thing... oh, I'm in real trouble!
Well, that must have been Maria, the school administrator, the priest notices with a lot of fatherly understanding.
Well, my son, he continues, just be careful in this village, just stay by yourself for a while.
A few minutes later, Giorgio catches up with his buddies, who are already peppering him with questions and looking at him with understandable expectation:
OK you guys, stop asking me how I do it, just stop. Paolo, your tall blonde's name is Katerina and she works at the Roma travel agency; Gianni, your pretty, small brunette's name is Sylvia and she works at the Venetian bakery, and my redhead mama is Maria, the school administrator!
Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog near his home in NY State. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly
about to follow. "Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb. "No.
Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "
One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro"
would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a very good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation.
Sure enough there she was...standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill:
"See what you get for five bucks"!!!!!!!
Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly
about to follow. "Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb. "No.
Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "
One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro"
would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a very good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation.
Sure enough there she was...standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill:
"See what you get for five bucks"!!!!!!!
From http://www.francesurrenders.com/
Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: What do the French call a direct hit on Paris by a nuclear device?
A: More proof that inspections are working.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Q: How many Frenchmen would it take to defend Paris?
A: It's not known, it's never been tried.
Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II?
A: Not enough.
Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!
Q. What do you do if you see 90,000,000 dead Frenchmen?
A. Stop laughing and re-load!!
Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry?
A: A good days hunting.
Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q: Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German.
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldnât find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do you call a frenchman with an IQ of 120?
A: A village.
Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
A French rifle is for sale on eBay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.
Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: What do the French call a direct hit on Paris by a nuclear device?
A: More proof that inspections are working.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Q: How many Frenchmen would it take to defend Paris?
A: It's not known, it's never been tried.
Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II?
A: Not enough.
Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!
Q. What do you do if you see 90,000,000 dead Frenchmen?
A. Stop laughing and re-load!!
Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry?
A: A good days hunting.
Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q: Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German.
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldnât find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do you call a frenchman with an IQ of 120?
A: A village.
Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
A French rifle is for sale on eBay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.
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