Jokes

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New Irish Priest In Texas

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station and was suprised to get the Sheriff himself immediately on the phone. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning Father O'Malley, this is Sheriff Jones, welcome to our little town. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself, Sheriff. I'm calling from St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sheriff Jones, known for being very Protestant and considering himself to be a consummate practical jokester, replied with a light laugh, "Well now Father, from my knowledge of the Catholic Church, it was always my impression that YOU people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, Sheriff, but we are also obliged to immediately notify the next of kin!!"

:) :) :)
 
Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
 
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says, " Well, then, better stay off your bicycle for a week
 
Top 10 pirate pick-up lines

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pirate pickup line is...

1. Avast! Prepare to be boarded!
 
SENIOR ROMANCE

A couple was married for umpteen years and normally
each went to sleep early, but this evening the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk and............
The husband wanted to sleep, but she said
"you used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second and then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said:
"then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her
a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said:
"then you used to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes
and got out of bed.
"Where are you going? "

"To get my teeth!"
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my stag party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher."

:D
 
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in the infantry during the Gulf War." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra
points toward employment."

"Are you disabled in anyway?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."
 
Aging Men. . . ..

Husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote.
 
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