Jokes

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Prepare To Laugh In Spanish

It is a well known fact in Texas and all over the Southwest that lawyers should never ask a Mexican American grandma and ex teacher a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

During a trial in a small town in south Texas , the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly Mexican abuelita to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Senora Sanchez, do you know me?"

She responded, "si, I know you Mr. Williams. I know you since I was your teacher and you were a mocoso chorriado, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me, to your family and to your community. You lie, you cheat on you wife, and you manipulate people, and you think you're a big shot when you are nada, pura basura. Yes, i know you baboso."

The lawyer was stunned, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Sanchez, "do you know the defense attorney?"

Again she replied, "claro que si. I've been a teacher for so many years and have known Mr. Rodriguez since he was a mocoso travieso too. He's a lazy puto, and he has a drinking problem. he can't keep a normal relationship with nobody, and he is the most pendejo lawyer in the state and not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different putas. One of them was your wife! You member? I know Mr. Rodriguez; his mama is not proud of him tambien."

The defense attorney almost died.

Judge Ramirez then asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "if either of you cabrones ask her if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair, you got that?"

:) :) :)
 
Fred's Last Words Of Wisdom

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud in his formal, sermon voice: "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

:) :) :)
 
Coffee Klatsch Bensonhurst:

Mrs. Gimmelstob says, "my boy Irving is the new head surgeon at Medical Center. He tells me he's making 2million a year."

"Really,", replies Mrs. Gottlieb. "Well, my boy Sidney is the most famous brain Surgeon in Houston, and he's making 3 million a year."

"My boy Sal," says Mrs. Ionatti," when his pecker gets hard, five parrots can stand on it."

A hush befalls the room until Mrs. Gillelstob admits Irving flunked out of medical school, which shames Mrs. Gottlieb into admitting her son empties bedpans in Houston. They both glare at the unabashed Mrs. Ianotti.....

"Ok, ok! The last parrot stands on one leg."
 
Ok, ok. You're a tough crowd. One more.

Bob is the most eligable batchelor in town. He decides to get married, but he has to pick from his three girlfriends.

Although Bob is rich. Rita is richer. She neve lets Bob pick up the check. Even pays an escort for a manage a tois anytime Bob is up for it.

Charlene is brilliant. Has her PHD, lectures at the University. When she wears her white lab coat and turtle shell cheaters, Bob goes nuts.

Wendy is cut as a kitten. Knows abou the other two, never says a word. Understanding is her middle name.

Who did Bob pick????? Come on....
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The one with the biggest tits.
 
Quote from TL Trader:

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd
be happy about it!"
More...

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 
A man and his wife are sitting down drinking a bottle of wine. The husband says to the wife. "Honey, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife says "your dick is bigger than your brothers."
 
Quote from indahook:

A man and his wife are sitting down drinking a bottle of wine. The husband says to the wife. "Honey, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife says "your dick is bigger than your brothers."
More...

I know them boys. When they was kids, they was so broke, if one wasn't excited, the other didn't have nuthin' to play with.
 
Why We Split Up:

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up

$150 for a cut & color

$30 for a manicure

$40 for a pedicure

$50 on vitamins

$300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
 
"A man and his wife are sitting down drinking a bottle of wine. The husband says to the wife. "Honey, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife says "your dick is bigger than your brothers.""

That's like the wife who askes her husband " Tell me what your fantasy is" He says "No" "Oh c'mon," she pleads, "Oh allright, I'd like to make love to your sister"
 
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