Jokes

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Veteran applys at the post office. The Postmaster looks at the results, and they're not stellar.

"Got any govt service?"

"Yup. I'm a disabled veteran".

"Really? That'll help out a lot. Let me work this up. By the way, what happened?"

"Kinda stupid, really. Me and some buddies were climbing a fence, and I slipped. I landed on my crotch....... I lost my testicles."

"Ooooooow. Nasty. Hey, you've got the points. Can you start tomorrow?"

"Sure!! What time should I be here??"

"Oh, why don't cha come in at, say, ten.?"

"Isn't that kinda late? Ten?"

"I guess. The rest of us will be here at eight. But we just stand around and scratch our balls for a couple of hours. No point in you showin' up for that."
 
Is This Funny?

A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'

The man can't believe it and replies 'Hold on a minute sir, I'll make some inquiries for you'....

The man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere? Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.

The man then goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business!'

With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, man, I'm a plumber!!'

:) :) :)
 
A guy's never been to WalMart.
Convinces his wife they have to go, and they do.

She's looking at the appliances, the curtains.....simply can't believe how low the prices are. All she can talk about, "bargains! Do you know how much this is in a Dept store? Blah blah blah."

Guy is taking it all in, tugs on his wifes sleeve, "you think these prices are low, take a look at the forehead on that cashier."
 
MARRIED FOR A NIGHT
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
A Day At The Zoo

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the toughest looking of the boys, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the tallest of the boys, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the heaviest of the boys, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"That's not that bad," said the judge. "OK, I understand." Then he looked at the smallest of the boys who was hiding behind the policeman. "And what's your name son?"
"My name is Peanuts, Sir" whispered the little kid.

:) :) :)
 
A short tibdit about Einstein:

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
 
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
 
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

:D
 
You know that you're obsessed by Technical Analysis when.....

12) Your 6-year-old pleads with you to take him to MACD's, and you ask him what the parameters are.

11) A social worker is telling you about a patient who has RSI, and you interrupt to ask her if she's read Wilder's book. (Then there's this patient with a history of volatility....)

10) An MA is no longer a university degree.

9) Trapped in traffic at a roundabout, you find yourself waiting for a "breakout".

8) You're constantly losing at tic-tac-toe because you keep visualizing it as a P&F chart.

7) A party addict is describing his LSD trips, and you ask whether his most recent high took out the previous one.

6) You describe an uneventful Friday at the office as an "inside day".

5) The best that lingerie advertisements can do is start you thinking about double tops.

4) While viewing the night sky with your hot date, you find yourself mentally constructing trendlines through the stars.

3) Your wife tells you she has PMT, but you can't remember what indicator that is.

2) You start thinking about your marriage in terms of risk-reward.

1) While engaged in, um, nocturnal recreation, you find yourself waiting for an entry signal.
 
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