Jokes

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A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified
to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just
as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband
stopped her with these words:

'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking
tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator.
She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a
pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone
out of style.

She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your
birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit
you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours
that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and
asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any
more?'
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, the y flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
 
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

:) :) :)
 
The Squirrel Story

There were five houses of worship in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each of them was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with a more effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

On the other hand, not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue. What happened there was that they took one squirrel and had a very intimate, short service with him called circumcision -- and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since!

:) :) :)
 
The link below is the newest game to make you want to put your mouse through the monitor. The object is to get rid of the numbers, in numerical order, in the fastest time. You don't have to click on the number, just touch it with the cursor.

Forget it if you have a laptop without a wireless mouse.

For the moment, my fastest time is 55 seconds, and I hope to make it smaller soon since the market is closed today.

http://flash.abunawaf.com/2005/12/game33.swf

:) :) :)
 
Corporate Life #43

New Company Policies:

1. Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise .

2. Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

3. Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

4. Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

5. Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere .

:) :) :)
 
Sorry...

A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

:) :) :)
 
Sorry, again...

An old man is talking to his friends: “I’ve got my health, everything is fine, my mind, knock wood… ... ... who’s there?"

:) :) :)
 
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