Jokes

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The Minister’s sermon cautioned the parishioners against having sex on the Sabbath because it is work…not play.

That didn’t seem quite right to Dave so he goes into a Catholic church and poses the question to a priest…is sex work or play?

“Sex is classified as work, my son, and must be avoided on the Sabbath,” says the priest.

Dave thanks him for his counsel and wonders what the hell a priest knows about sex, so he decides to visit a synagogue. There he confronts Rabbie Garfein who can draw upon the wisdom of a religion nearly 6000 years old.

“Well, my boy,” smiles the Rabbi. “Sex is most definitely play.”

Naturally Dave is pleased with this answer but asks the Rabbi on what basis he is so certain that it is play…not work.

“My boy,” sighs Rabbi Garfein, “if it were work, my wife would have the maid do it.”
 
Corporate Life #41

A traveling salesman was held up in the South by endless rainstorms and resulting floods. He e-mails his office in NY: “Pinned down by storm system, it will last for a couple of weeks. Send instructions immediately!”
His boss e-mails back: “You are on vacation, have fun!”

:) :) :)
 
Poor Lonely Man

A middle-age widower sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back almost immediately: “We are not THAT lonely!!”

:) :) :)
 
Penis van Lesbian
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about
what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with
another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name,
so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
 
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells........

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder---We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

:) :) :)
 
"tradgedee!!!"

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found
himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader
asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
" No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that
would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader.
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev.
Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be
a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson , "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure enough wouldn't be a
great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
 
Short and Funny

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are probably one of the changes."

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

:) :) :)
 
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret
Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then
says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to
the bat boy. " Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok, if that's what the people want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her
right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!&&&&&&&&*%$%**!!!..
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent
and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much
everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The
agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch"
 
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